Commentary/Satire by Bill the Butcher

Author’s Note: I know there are other people in the Space Station! It’s satire. Just enjoy the humor!

Isn’t one picture worth a thousand words. This is like a teenage fantasy I had in high school. I imagined getting abducted by aliens. They took me far away. They told me they wanted to study me. They gave me a physical, all the Church’s Chicken I could eat, a bottomless keg of Corona, and any ten girls in Texas I desired. They wanted to use us to populate a distant planet. Adam and Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve and their best friend, Lillibeth. God Bless Brigham Young!

Send two people to the space station in a commuter designed by Boeing, the company that forgot to put locks on the doors on their planes and wrote the flight manual in Swahili! What could possibly go wrong? And then forget to book the return flight. They would have been better off taking Southwest! Boeing really put the “boing” in space travel! Two totally healthy astronauts. Or one actually. The other one was an astronautette! Now, I’m just a Simple Ole Boy From Austin, but if you stranded me in space for an indefinite period of time with some chick in a weightless environment filled with lots and lots of time and oxygen you would assume we’d struck up some kind of conversation . . . and you’d be RIGHT!

I dream of Jeanie on steroids. I’m not going to run today’s picture that was in the news with both of them laughing at the camera, her hair floating all around like she just got out of bed. Roger warns me about copyright infringement and that picture has just GOT to be copyrighted out the ass. Now, where was I?

I don’t think these two red blooded Americans have any problem identifying which bathroom to use. They just go in their diaper anyway and throw it out in space. Hours looking at the moon, which is always out. Long space walks together. Planning for the future. And just think about that back pay! NASA’s trying to get them home next year. SPACE BABY! No gravity. Don’t need no Cross Your Heart Bra up there! I wonder if she cooks. Talk about the girl next door!

I can already hear it. All the comments accusing me of misogyny. Uh . . . DUH! If you can examine this situation and not consider this possibility you ARE gay! C’mon guys! Let’s be honest. Your wife’s in the kitchen. Would you hit it! You know you would. And the government would cover it up for you. You could freak off and be cool in front of the camera and they’d lose the video. They’d had an Alzheimer’s patient running the country for the last four years! Who’s gonna notice?

If SpaceX screwed up like this the media would have a field day. Elon Musk’s Asperger’s would kick into overdrive. Six Flags Over Texas would produce a new fun house with bouncy bouncy floors, and Carnival Cruise would have at least one cruise that you could take and not come home with COVID!

I’m sure the pressure of the delayed flight home will require some R and R when they get back, but wouldn’t you think choosing a beach would be a challenge. I mean, they’ve seen them all. And she’s cute! Have you seen her? Most of the time these scientific chicks look like Jane Hathaway from the Beverly Hillbillies, but “Galaxy Gal” looks like one of those UCLA tomb diggers that A&E picks for the sweat marks on her T-shirt.

Don’t tell me this pair’s been up there all this time and this hasn’t “floated” through their minds! Because if not they’ve been studying rocks too long. Time to get the rocks off their mind. OMG! All the one-liners! Somebody stop me! I’m sorry, but this story is just too juicy. Hey! I could be wrong in my assessment of this very grave situation. I’m really grabbing at straws here. I’m still thinking about how I’m gonna slither around that copyright issue. Those two fine citizens up there giving it their all for America. Going places where no man has ever been before! Members of the two hundred- and fifty-mile-high club. Role models for our children and an inspiration for every frat boy at Texas A&M. This is Commander Bill signing off. Oh no! It’s Mr. Bill! Beam me up Scotty!

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