Kamala Harris and Donald Trump have reportedly reached an agreement that would see them speaking very slowly and loudly for the final few weeks of the campaign, so that they may be understood by everyone who hasn’t made up their mind about which candidate they prefer yet, sources confirm. 

“I…AM…THE…REPUBLICAN…CANDIDATE,” shouted Trump, at a town hall filled with voters who somehow hadn’t picked between one of the two wildly different candidates. “IF…YOU…WANT…ME…TO…BE…PRESIDENT…AGAIN…THEN…JUST…VOTE…FOR…ME. AM…I…SPEAKING…SLOWLY…ENOUGH…FOR…YOU…TO…UNDERSTAND…ME?”

Despite the candidates’ deliberate delivery, many of the gathered undecided voters confirmed they were no closer to choosing a candidate.

“Hmm, I’m really stumped here,” said undecided voter Marty Brooks, as he struggled to open a candy bar. “These two candidates that are polar opposites in every way that have very easy-to-observe records in Washington really are neck and neck in my eyes. I can’t figure it out for the life of me. By the way, can anyone help me tie my shoes?” 

As of press time, it was confirmed by experts that voters like Brooks would somehow be deciding the election.