Babylon Bee
Doctor Reminds You To Arrive Early So You Can Wait Even Longer
U.S. — In a helpful message regarding your upcoming appointment, your doctor has reminded you to be ...View More
Congressional Democrats Demand $40 Billion For UCLA Protest Border Security
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A legislative stalemate appeared to be brewing on Capitol Hill as congressional D ...View More
Immigration Crisis Ended As Frat Boys Deployed To Guard Southern Border
UNITED STATES — The immigration crisis appears to be finally over after the Department of Homeland S ...View More
Doctor Points On MRI To Part Of Man's Brain Where 'Seinfeld' Bass Riff Has Been Playing For Over Two Decades
GRANDVIEW, MO — A patient's lingering questions were finally answered today, as a doctor pointed out ...View More
9 Reasonable Demands From Students Occupying Campus Buildings
Brought to you by: My Patriot SupplyMuch has been made about the student protesters occupying spaces ...View More
Baby Patiently Waiting Until Fully Strapped In Car Seat To Unleash Diaper Apocalypse
RUIDOSO, NM — Local baby Oliver Daniels patiently waited to be completely strapped in his car seat b ...View More
King Solomon Dies Of Old Age Waiting For 700 Wives To Decide On Restaurant
JERUSALEM — Sad news emerged from the royal palace today, as it was announced that King Solomon had ...View More
American Flag Defended By Frat Boy Heroes Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, And Dylan
CHAPEL HILL, NC — The American flag was defended from crazed protesters by a group of University of ...View More
9 Highly Effective Ways To Remove Protesters From Your Campus
If you're part of the administration of a major university, what you've seen on the news may have yo ...View More
UCLA Replaces Student IDs With New Fashionable Identifying Armbands
LOS ANGELES, CA — In a new initiative to streamline the school's identification process, UCLA announ ...View More
'I Like Coldplay,' Man Says In Powerful Coming Out Speech
KANSAS CITY, MO — Local man Dave Barrett let friends and family know he was totally gay by announcin ...View More
Man Introduces Himself To Next-Door Neighbors Who Just Recently Moved In 9 Years Ago
CHINO, CA — Residents of a local neighborhood grew more closely knit this week, as a man introduced ...View More
10 Essential Life Skills Your Kid Will Learn At An Ivy League University
Brought to you by: PraxisIvy Leagues have been making the headlines lately, but what can students ac ...View More
Report: You've Gone Weeks Without Having The 1-877-KARS-4-KIDS Jingle Stuck In Your Head. Great Job. Keep It Up!
U.S. — According to sources, you have now gone several weeks without that delightful jingle from the ...View More
To Avoid Falling, Biden To Traverse Lawn In Giant Hamster Ball
WASHINGTON, DC - In an ongoing effort to keep the President from running into stationary objects, Wh ...View More
Kristi Noem Clarifies Killing Puppies Makes Up Only 3% Of What She Does
PIERRE, SD — After detailing in a newly released book how she shot a puppy that was too hard to trai ...View More
'I'm Sorry I Have To Do This,' Says Kristi Noem Pumping Shotgun After Puppy Playfully Barks At Mailman
PIERRE, SD — After Governor Kristi Noem caught her puppy playfully barking at the mailman today, she ...View More
After Learning She Killed Her Puppy, Dr. Fauci Endorses Kristi Noem
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Dr. Anthony Fauci has come out as a major supporter of Governor Kristi Noem after ...View More
Ilhan Omar Paraglides Into Columbia Campus To Lead Protests
NEW YORK, NY — In a dramatic entrance that left onlookers both baffled and concerned for their immed ...View More
8 Handy Tricks Women Can Use To Beat Trans Athletes
It's the dawn of a new era in women's athletics, as they are now open to dudes! While the playing fi ...View More
‘Why Do I Feel So Far From God?’ Says Man Scrolling Through X, Binging Netflix Simultaneously
JOHNS CREEK, GA — In the middle of his normal routine of scrolling through X and binging Netflix for ...View More
Palestine Protesters Scatter As Riot Police Charge In With Sticks Of Deodorant
NEW YORK, NY — Riot police armed with sticks of deodorant charged at Pro-Hamas demonstrators this we ...View More
‘Israel Must End Its Illegal Occupation!’ Cry People Staging Illegal Occupation
U.S. — According to sources, college students have illegally occupied public spaces across the count ...View More
8 Changes Biden Made To Title IX
Brought to you by: CrossExaminedPresident Joe Biden made significant changes to Title IX last week, ...View More
Hamas Thanks College Student Supporters By Promising Them A Quick Death During Global Intifada
RAFAH — Hamas has issued a statement of thanks to American university students for their unwavering ...View More
Asian Kid Who Actually Went To Columbia To Learn Gettin' Real Sick Of This Crap
NEW YORK, NY — As unrest due to anti-Israel protests continued into another day, an Asian kid who we ...View More
10 Famous Presidential Quotes If All Presidents Spoke Like Joe Biden
Have you ever noticed that Joe Biden has a funny way of speaking? From his endearing way of retellin ...View More
L.A. Mayor’s Podium Stolen During News Conference Touting Drop In Crime
LOS ANGELES, CA — In what some commentators are calling a political bug-a-boo, Los Angeles Mayor Kar ...View More
