Adapted from “The Andrew Klavan Show” on DailyWire+

You know, I was so impressed with the Democratic National Convention, I’ve decided to change the format of my show to make it more like the DNC. So, for instance, before I begin today, I’d like to acknowledge that the land I’m podcasting from is the traditional home of the Cherokee or the Chickasaw or the Chickamauga or the Chick-Filet or whatever the hell these primitives called themselves while they sat around half-naked in ridiculous little conical tents smoking pipes full of God-knows-what before the Europeans came and brought air conditioning and civilization and things like that.

And I want to honor with gratitude the land itself which, okay, doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense since it was just a bunch of dirt before we built stuff on it like Yankee Stadium and superhighways and other things the Indians didn’t think of because, let’s face it, they never even invented the wheel. They just sat around most days wondering why it was so hard to get the wagons to move until they finally went back to smoking their pipes because, really, who needs wheels when you’re stoned out of your mind?

Still, we honor the land, because we want to sound as spiritual as the Democrats at their convention or in fact as spiritual as any bunch of unintelligible paganized atheists gleefully returning to the bloody practice of human sacrifice or women’s healthcare or whatever they’re calling it nowadays. 

So we honor the land and all those who lived upon the land until one day they looked up and saw ships that had crossed the entire Atlantic ocean while they were sitting around smoking and wondering why their wheel-less wagons were just gathering dust like a pile of useless two-by-fours — or, who even knows, maybe one of them tried to say something like, “Hey, wait, if we put some big circular objects underneath these wagons, we could roll them somewhere,” but he probably got the old arrow — Pfft! — right in the forehead, because the rest of the tribe was, like, hey, keep it down, we’re smoking here and watching those beautiful ships coming this way — from what they probably thought was another planet since they didn’t even know there were other continents and, meanwhile, the Europeans were zipping around from one continent to another until they could take over that Indian land and, thank God, start building something useful on it.

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Now some of you may be thinking, well, wait, you say Europeans took the land from the Cherokees, but didn’t the Cherokees take it from the Chickasaws who took it from the Chick-Filets who took it from the Dixie Chicks so that basically the whole history of the continent was just a bunch of half-naked chicks fighting, like at that bar I sometimes go to with the mud pit and the wet t-shirts. Man, I love that place.

Anyway, all these half-naked chick tribes were busy killing one another until suddenly they looked up and there were the Europeans and it was, like — Boom! — how do you like my AR-15 firestick, Indian-man? And the Indians were, like, “Holy crapum, we should’ve invented the wheel, then we could have rolled our wagons to the gun store and bought some of those firesticks so we could wipe out these Europe guys like we did with the Chickadees or the Chick Magnets or whoever it was we were killing when those ships arrived from another planet.

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But all the same, I want to acknowledge them because they were people too almost, and just like the Democrats at their convention, I want to give them the sense that I care about their suffering without actually caring about their suffering or indeed without actually doing anything, except what I’m doing right now which doesn’t cost me a thin dime but makes me feel great about myself.

So that’s my Democrat-style land acknowledgement, and if its cynicism and insincerity make you feel hypocritical, you can always comfort yourself by using your iPhone to order overnight delivery of a laptop from Amazon, and kick back and enjoy the wonderful fruits of European expansion. Then, just like the Democrats, we can all finally stop blaming ourselves for settler imperialism and get back to blaming the Jews.

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A WOMAN UNDERGROUND,” is now available for PRE-ORDER. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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