DAVOS — An upcoming change of the global guard began today, as longtime leader of the World Economic Forum Klaus Schwab announced he was retiring to spend more time with his lizard family on the planet Zarkon VII.

Having met many of his important goals in the area of world domination and the destruction of freedom around the world, Schwab made the decision to step down from his throne made of human skulls and return to his homeworld, where he will live out the remainder of his life watching the plans he set in motion on Earth come to fruition.

"It appears my work on this planet is finished," Schwab hissed. "I am proud of everyzing vee have accomplished here on zis world. Vee have successfully set humanity on a path toward its eventual annihilation. My only regret is that I vill not be here to watch the nations burn down as the humans are diminished to an animalistic state, eating ze bugs and killing for supremacy. Instead, I will return to my home on the planet Zarkon VII, where I will commune with others of my kind. Farewell, people of Earth."

At publishing time, the World Economic Forum was planning a grand sendoff for Schwab, featuring fireworks, spoken word exhibitions, and battles to the death for sport, after which the Davos elite would bathe in the blood of the slain innocents and watch Schwab board his starship and set off for the loving reception of his lizard family.

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