ST. LOUIS, MO - Local deaf man Robert Sloan thought the Children's Church Choir gave a really nice performance this morning of "I Am A Child Of God".

"Wow, they did great," Sloan signed to his wife Sharon, whose ears were bleeding. "I'm so impressed."

According to sources in the congregation, the Children's Choir failed to sing a single note in tune throughout the performance, delivering one of the most painful performances in recent memory. "It was so bad, I couldn't even look at them. I just picked out a spot on the carpet and hung on for dear life," said parishioner James Carston. "If you weren't looking at them, it sounded like a baby goat was being mauled by a pack of howling coyotes. It was physically painful."

While the men of the congregation panned the performance, the women maintained that the children were "so cute" despite their atrocious singing. "Sure, one of my eardrums ruptured, but weren't they adorable?" said Nelly Smith, smiling. "How about that little girl pulling her dress up and pretending to be a screeching ghost? So precious!"

At publishing time, the Children's Choir director had asked if Mr. Sloan could take over for her, as he was much better suited to withstand choir practice.

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