HOUSTON, TX — The Home Depot has just announced a brand new "Alarm of Shame," which will be standard in all Home Depot locations by next week. The Alarm of Shame is meant to improve customer satisfaction and self-confidence by loudly blaring every time any so-called "man" asks an employee for help.

"SHAME!! SHAME!!" blares the siren the moment a male degrades himself in the most humiliating way possible. Spotlights then reveal the location of the man-child, and other shoppers are encouraged to either laugh or join in yelling "SHAME!!"

"Yeah, all the time we get these men who will surreptitiously ask us how to find really simple things like where to find the 8 mm-1.25 x 25 mm plain steel internal hex metric socket cap screw," said Charlotte Bernard, a petite Home Depot employee. "You can just see the utter disgrace in their eyes, the total loss of all self-respect. Honestly, the alarm is saving men from themselves."

The addition has caused several shoppers to almost literally die of shame, including Steve Brett, who just recently stopped in at a Home Depot and was forced to ask an employee where to find an amp meter and also what was an amp. "It was the most humiliating experience of my entire life," Brett said. "To be honest, I needed it though. It was a real wakeup call to how far I have fallen. I went home and immediately cut down a dozen trees with an axe, and can once more look myself in the mirror."

At publishing time, OSHA had raised concerns that the experience might genuinely cause someone to die, but the Home Depot CEO simply laughed and said, "Good. We need to cull the weak."

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