This summer’s craft services

Jeff Goldblum — that actor from “Jurassic Park” — now plays jazz.

2018 he debuted “The Capitol Studio Sessions” album. 2014, this heavy-duty thesp started a residency at NYC’s Carlyle Hotel plinking the piano.

He was just working the Hamptons, where he swears he’s never been before. It’s the Canoe Place Inn.

He does fall-down hilarity — like asking: “Did you know there’s fish in the Worcestershire sauce?” The room screams with hysteria.

Plus showbiz shtick like about Winona and Whoopi. Who knows what we’ll get next. Maybe if we’re lucky a Wolfgang Puck ad lib.

More. Onstage. Soon. Soho Playhouse. “The Ghost of John McCain.” Meghan McCain calls this new play “trash — a gross cash grab by mediocre desperate people.”

Producer’s pol Jason Rose and McCain consultant Max Fose. I don’t know them. I don’t care either.

This thing unfolds inside D. Trump’s mind — where McCain finds himself posthumously trapped. And it releases McCain’s consciousness only after admitting Trump’s his favorite president.

McCain then finds a way out of this political imprisonment. (The audience, however, finds no way out.)

Inside Trump’s mind — living rent-free — are: Lindsey Graham in leather fetish gear singing “I need a big, big man!,” Grizabella from “Cats,” Eva Peron from “Evita,” dancing around is Elon Musk, plus smug Hillary who sings “I Told Ya So.” The thing also includes Ivanka, plus Trump’s various wives.

And we thought Sen. Menendez’s story was confusing. Go see it. Do not invite me. The McCains “are losing their s — t over it.”

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Liner notes

NYC is moving. Newbies in, oldies out. New homes made, old places fade. A bride wants a baby’s room, a grampa wants a nearby john.

Contractor Aidan McCormack, redoing some of our town’s greatest redoes, sends me this note: “We started a job on East 87th last week and during demo this paper was found inside one of the walls.”

My column. It’s my column. An oldie. What it’s doing getting stuck inside a wall, who knows.

If that was to plug up a mouse hole it would be very insulting. The thing’s dated Dec. 17, 1990.

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Entering the luxe land of layoffs

Since Saks bought out Neiman’s, sites where there’s both stores will do major layoffs.

In the pandemic, nobody had been buying anything. No place to go. So the shmatta business has gone poop. Some purchase money was from Amazon.

New company name’s Saks Global. A previous contract brought out current president, Europe’s Geoffroy van Raemdonck, who with his partner have two adorable little children — each with their own nurse.

Watch rich LVMH vacuum up crown jewel Bergdorf’s (currently owned by Neiman). LVMH already owns three 57th & 5th corners.

They want the fourth — the most valuable shopping areas this side of Saturn — Vuitton, Tiffany, Bulgari, Bergdorf’s. Watch.

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We’re told that money isn’t everything — and the way we’re going, it soon won’t be anything.

Mostly in the United States of America, kids, mostly in the United States of America.