CNN — the most trusted name in complete dishonesty — has announced the rules for this month’s debate between Donald Trump and some guy with glazed eyes and a frozen smile on his face wandering aimlessly around the stage — namely, the President of the United States. 

The debate will be moderated by two CNN stalwarts, Jake Tapper and Dana Bash. Tapper, of course, is the journalist who famously said, “It’s okay that Covid is dominating your life because it has dominated your life,” thus winning the Pulitzer Prize for pulling fear mongering in the cause of disinformation. And Dana Bash is widely believed to have set a new standard in objectivity by sucking up to Nancy Pelosi so hard their faces merged into a single swampy flesh puddle of noxious lies so terrifying to look upon that horror movie fans are eagerly awaiting this summer’s sequel “Dana Bash Two: This Time, It’s a Debate.” 

Behind the scenes, Democrats have expressed some concern that it might be unfair to pit Donald Trump in a battle of wits against a man who now lives in a little red pot on the window sill in the hope that if he gets enough sunshine and water his leaves will stop turning brown. So the DNC, working closely with another Democrat organization, namely CNN, has devised some debate rules to help level the playing field.

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Rule Number One: When answering the moderators’ questions, both candidates must respond in a weirdly disconnected tone of rage, slurring their words while spewing demagogic race-baiting inanities that haven’t described life as it’s actually lived in America since 1962 and then let their voices trail off into a mumbled mess of incomprehensible noise which when slowed down and played backwards either announces the death of Paul McCartney or the name of the shell company to which Hunter can wire ten percent of his influence peddling payoffs. Democrats feel this rule will help eliminate Trump’s unfair advantage of making some kind of sense when he talks and of not being the most corrupt politician in America for the last 50 years.

Rule Number Two: In the event President Biden should freeze in place with a creepy smile on his face while staring into the empty air as if hearing voices no one else hears and then wander off-stage like a lost toddler looking for his mother — who, by the way, isn’t really a doctor — the audience must continue looking at the television screen as if nothing strange is going on and must later pretend not to have seen what they saw. Those audience members who best pretend not to see the truth that’s right in front of their eyes will win this year’s Jake Tapper and Dana Bash award for being like Jake Tapper and Dana Bash.

Rule Number Three: Any remark made by Donald Trump that is not absolutely crystal clear in its meaning is to be completely misconstrued to give it its most hateful interpretation, which will then be referred back to forever as proof of his bigotry and authoritarianism. For instance, if Trump should point out that by leaving our borders entirely unprotected, Joe Biden has shown littler respect for the rule of law than any president in history, this is to be taken as a sly complimentary reference to Adolf Littler, who would have been the most evil man in European history, had he been Adolf Hitler, instead of a comparative adjective. After that and into the foreseeable future, journalists will make off-handed references to Trump’s praise for Hitler as being just one of the many, many egregious moral crimes Trump has committed in their totally false reporting.

CNN and other Democrat organizations hope that these rules will make for a debate as fair and honest as the journalism on CNN and other Democrat organizations. Meanwhile, both candidates have begun preparing for the debate. Joe Biden is sitting quietly alone in his basement hoping someone will come by soon and give him his medicine, which makes him feel so much better for a while. And Donald Trump has had himself locked in a screened cage where advisors occasionally crack open the door and throw in raw meat which Trump rips to pieces while drooling blood as the advisors run for their lives.

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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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