Commentary/Satire by Bill the Butcher

The term ‘Paper Tiger’ refers to something or someone that claims or appears to be powerful or threatening but is ineffectual and unable to withstand challenge.

When I was in the 4th grade there was this kid named Vance. And every day, at recess Vance would come out to the playground and whip my ass! That embarrassed me! I mean, there were girls out there.

Eventually I’d hide around the corner so nobody could see. Now, this was 1950’s Louisiana so there wasn’t any hope for me. The teachers just stood around, smoked cigarettes and watched. Then, one day I had an epiphany! For absolutely no reason at all, as Vance stood before me, gloating, I drew back and hit him right between the eyes. Well, he fell mightily into the ground, pissed, bled, and cried. It wasn’t sex, but it was damn close! After that I made it a daily chore to chase Vance down and whip his ass for every recess while the teachers stood around watching and smoking cigarettes. God, I miss the 1950’s!

There are two kinds of people in the world. Who they are, and who they want you to perceive them to be. Vance was like that. Oh, there are psychologists who will label “different personality” types. Everything from psychopaths to narcissists to extrovert, withdrawn, overt, pervert, and all the “verts” in between. There’s only two. Willabeasts and wannabeasts. Everything else is just food coloring.

Countries can be like that. Absolutely no country has a flag with a pussy cat on it. Eagles, bloody bars, hammers and sickles, the closest to a civilized flag is Canada. They have a leaf. Mexico has a pissed off eagle. But all countries try to create a persona of invincibility. As if they have some secret weapon that could blow up the sun should any other country rub them the wrong way. And I don’t care who they are. England, Germany, Iran, the ZULUS! They all bristle up should you insult their national pride. Especially the Russians! Oh those Russians!

If you ask the Russians, they will tell you all about how they saved the world from the Nazis when in point of fact Hitler was beating them like a bunch of red headed stepchildren until the rest of the world jumped in and pulled them out of the fire. And give credit where credit is due, it took the whole world to put Hitler in that bunker because until he stuck that pistol in his mouth it wasn’t written in stone who was gonna come out on top of that cat fight! But Russia saved us all! Yeah RIGHT!

But Hitler himself said something that bears repeating. If you’re gonna tell a lie, tell a big one, tell it often enough and it will become the truth! Here’s some lies: Paul McCartney is dead. Taylor Swift buys my lunch. Russia is a world leader. Putin is the master of insinuation. Russia has bombs. America better watch out. Yeah! They got bombs. One of them fell over on the launchpad and chased their asses down a valley. Czar Booma my Texas ass! Just like Iran running its mouth for thirty years about Allah and Israel jumped on them last week and the UN was begging, “Just don’t bomb the goats!” Allah? The Prophet, Richard Pryor said it best: Don’t go messing with them Jews without no money!

Russia is a paper polar bear. It was a good gig but it’s all over now and it sure is Monday. There are several indicators for this. Getting your ass whipped by a bunch of meth heads with a tap-dancing comedian for President. Getting your face handed to you by someplace like Ukraine is like the United States losing a war to Colorado. And getting help from North Korea? The whole world bought that lie. Oh no! North Korea sent soldiers to Russia. It’s World War III! That’s like asking your brother-in-law for a loan. Or all those Arab countries jumping on the Jews simultaneously. And every time they do Israel gets a little bigger. But everybody buys the lies. Interesting note: Putin approached Jinping over in China and he said, “You makee no honorable iPhones!”

Well, like a record made of wax it’s never coming back. The North Koreans are gonna charge over the Ukrainian border and Zelensky is gonna put them to work in Chinese laundries. Iran is praying to Allah that Israel forgets who they are. The Arab Union is going to continue running whore houses in Dubai and Putin is gonna salute pigeons on Red Square! Stand by for NEWS!

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