WASHINGTON, DC—In yet another one of his signature “folksy” moments, President* Joe Biden addressed escalating political tensions during a recent rally, issuing a gentle reminder to Trump supporters to cool it—or face the full wrath of the U.S. military.

“Listen here, Jack,” Biden said, squinting menacingly into the microphone. “All this hateful rhetoric has got to stop. I’m serious. Because if you don’t cut it out, I’ll light you up faster than a Fourth of July barbecue—with tactical nukes and F-18 fighter jets. And I’m not joking.”

The president’s audience clapped politely, though several attendees were visibly confused, wondering if this was a continuation of his earlier remarks about Scranton’s best malt shops.

“You think AR-15s are scary?” Biden asked, raising his voice. “Try dodging a Hellfire missile. I’ll send one straight to Mar-a-Lago if I have to. Not a joke, folks.”

The White House later clarified that Biden’s comments were “off-the-cuff” and not meant to be taken literally—except the part about deploying military hardware.

“We just want Americans to know,” Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said, “that when the President* threatens nuclear war, it’s with love. You know, like tough love—grandpa style.”

Biden also took a moment to emphasize that democracy only works when Americans stop criticizing him. “We’re talking about unity, people! And if you don’t unify, well… I’ve got a B-2 bomber just waiting to turn your backyard barbecue into a blast zone.”

The president concluded by reminiscing about a story no one asked for, involving a cornfield, an angry rooster, and a time he “almost had to nuke Corn Pop for getting mouthy.”

When asked if calling Trump supporters “garbage” and threatening them with annihilation was perhaps a bit excessive, Biden shrugged. “Come on, man! They need to know who’s in charge. If I don’t remind them every now and then, who will? I mean, look—Merrick Garland’s too busy investigating school board meetings.”

The Department of Defense has since reported an uptick in applications for nuclear launch codes from the White House, which officials claim is “completely unrelated” to Biden’s recent remarks.

Meanwhile, experts warn that Biden’s next speech may feature a demonstration flyover, “just in case people need a reminder.” As one anonymous Pentagon official put it, “When Joe says he’ll drop a bomb on you, believe me, he’s forgotten it five minutes later—but the missile doesn’t forget.”

In closing, Biden offered one final plea: “Look, folks, I’m just asking for civility. All we need is some decency—and maybe a couple of stealth fighters on standby. Just in case things get out of hand.”

Trump supporters have yet to respond, though reports indicate several have begun quietly Googling “nuke-proof bunkers.”

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