WASHINGTON, D.C. — Teary-eyed sources at the Washington Post have just confirmed that the paper's entire staff has just been given the day off to mourn the loss of the Hamas leader who masterminded the Oct. 7 attacks in 2023.

According to mid-level WaPo editors who spoke under condition of anonymity, all of the staffers, writers, and editors had managed to drag themselves into work but were simply too dispirited to do anything more than a few half-hearted tweets critical of Trump and JD Vance.

"People were crying everywhere," said one WaPo writer. "In the breakroom, in the bullpen, in the editor's office — there wasn't a dry eye in the building. Without our Hamas boy, how are we going to keep going? Who else is going to orchestrate brutal rape attacks of glorious liberation without our main man? We even used to send him a donation every few days...maybe it'll go to fund his underaged widows and children. Ultimately, we couldn't stand the sorrow and the editors chucked in the towel and gave us the day off."

Other WaPo employees were unable to comment, as most of them were still crying and two of them were already busy looking at shirtless pictures of Tim Walz.

At publishing time, CNN, the New York Times, The Atlantic, and MSNBC had also had to give all of their employees a paid day off to mourn the Hamas loss.

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