April 1, 3018 Third Age

Isengard News Agency

Today Saruman, the head of the White Council tasked with defending Middle-earth, announced a long-rumored, major policy change: The chief Wizard proclaimed that “queer theory” is now essential to his organization’s task, in large part to eradicate “white supremacy.”

To that end, “his robes, which had seemed white, were not so, but were woven of all colours, so that if he moved they shimmered and changed hue so that the eye was bewildered.”

His second-in-command, Gandalf the Grey, commented, “I liked white better.”

“White!” Saruman sneered. “It serves as a beginning. White cloth may be dyed. The white page can be overwritten; and the white light can be broken.”

Saruman continued that DEI, more broadly, is essential for creating effective defense policy, especially where Rings of Power are concerned.

When a reporter from Minas Tirith News asked what DEI means, the now-Rainbow Wizard replied, “Several things come to mind. ‘Disestablishing Elvish Influence’ most notably. Orcs prefer ‘Didn’t Earn It,’ as they say of Men. We may even go with the ancient definition, ‘diversity, equity, inclusion.’ But my pollster Grima Wormtongue, assisted by Smeagol Carville, is still testing the best phrase with focus groups.”

Foreign Invaders Are People, Too!

The MTN reporter, Peter, son of Stevewise, tried a follow-up: “Is it true that you’re now receiving funding from Sauron’s Open Borders Foundation, to include millions from the embassy of Mordor?”

Saruman didn’t answer. Instead, he simply turned the reporter into something unnatural.

“Now, where was I?” he muttered. “Oh yes. Queer theory helps to shift the perception of magic Rings as instruments of security by telling the hidden stories of displacement, illness, and trauma among the Orcs and non-Western Men who have long been victims of the Elves, Men of Gondor, and their Dwarvish allies.”

The Multicolored Magician went on: “My DEI agenda envisions expanding the military secrets of the West to Orcs, Easterlings, and Southrons, as those individuals have been discouraged from applying for sensitive national security positions because of racial bias.”

The Real Threat: White Supremacist Elves and Men

A pool reporter from Edoras said, “Orcs are roaming freely across our lands, both Rohan and Gondor, unchecked, unchallenged. Killing at will. Yet you want to give them access to our plans?”

Saruman pointed out that such incursions, indeed invasions, are necessary. Why? Because the greater threat to Men and Elves actually comes from within, “from people of the same racial group, notably ‘radical white supremacists.’”

Therefore, massive influxes of Orcs and non-Western Men will allow a broader perspective on such threats, even if the death toll might be unfortunately high among the people of Rohan, Gondor, and eventually, Rivendell and Lorien.

Western Rings of Power Are Discriminatory

Saruman, stroking his beard, continued. “Critical queer theory shines a light on the harm done by Rings of Power — those three held by the Elves, in particular — through mithril mining, Ring testing, and the tax money spent on supporting the tyrannical Elvish rulers who wield them. Furthermore, the queer lens prioritizes the rights and well-being of marginal peoples — Orcs, legions from the south and east, mercenaries from the coasts — over the abstract idea of national security among white Men, Elves, and Dwarves.”

A plucky correspondent from the Shire News Network, Robert son of Woodward, dared ask about the Rings that Sauron had himself employed via the Nine Nazgûl, who had long been leading attacks on the Free Peoples.

“Exactly my point!” Saruman proclaimed. “Why should the West have all the powerful Rings? The Nine Dark Riders literally personify the nonwhite subaltern groups, whose interests and experiences have long been excluded from the plans of Wizards, Elves, and Western Men. In addition, Rings of Power discourse is unfortunately binary and gendered. Ring deterrence is associated with ‘rationality’ and security,’ when these weapons are held by the likes of Galadriel or Elrond. But when nonbinary — because they’re neither living nor dead — beings like the Nazgûl wield them, they’re coded with ‘emotion’ such as ‘terror.’ This hardly seems fair, now does it?”

What About the One Ring to Queer Them All?

When the SNN contributor asked about rumors of the One Ring being found, and how that plays into the whole concept of DEI and queering Rings of Power, Saruman’s multicolored robes rippled violently before he replied, “You’d be better off asking that question of my lieutenant, Gandalf. Unfortunately, he’s gone off to the top office floor of Orthanc in order to work on some important onboarding tasks for my new Uruk-hai employees. And he’ll be incommunicado for some time.”

The final question came from the former MTN reporter, who now resembled a large newt.

“The Steward of Gondor has said he adamantly opposes your radical DEI agenda, in particular queering any potent magical Rings. Your response?”

“Who cares what that caretaker ruler wants?” Saruman retorted. “His ‘Make Gondor Great Again’ policy sickens me. Let him eat tomatoes!”

With that, Saruman ended the press conference and stalked out, bearing a strange clear orb in one long-nailed hand.

[With apologies to Hannah Grossman of FoxNews.com, as well as J.R.R. Tolkien, in particular regarding The Lord of the Rings, p. 259 and Peter Jackson, excerpts from all three LotR movies.]

Timothy Furnish has a PhD from Ohio State in Islamic, World & African history. He’s been an Arabic interrogator in the 101st Airborne, a US Special Operations Command analyst, an author and professor. Furnish is the military/security affairs writer for The Stream.