Note: This is a satirical piece.

On the opening night of the Democrat National Convention, Joe Biden was given the not-so-prime-time slot, 11:30 p.m. Monday night, for his speech. This was not the slot where one would put a president whom Pelosi and other Democrats say deserves to be mounted on Mount Rushmore. Speaking of mounting things, Bill Clinton is scheduled to speak Wednesday. On Hump Day.

The Democrat crowd went nuts for Biden, just weeks after he left the presidential race. It confirms the old show business adage: Give the people what they want, and they will always cheer in appreciation. They are showing Biden the door, something Obama and anyone else onstage with Biden in the last four years has had to do. 

Biden’s speech was to be his “swan song.” Here’s a little-known fact: Swans are strong. Their wings can break a human’s arm. But humans have shotguns now, so swans rarely start anything with us anymore.

The Democrat Convention was held in crime-ridden Chicago. The weather was bad and the police were everywhere. Given the conditions, gangs had to delay several murders. When VP nominee Tim Walz looked into the crime stats in Democrat-controlled Chicago, he asked if he could defer his deployment to Chicago and just Zoom in. 

So far, the only policy statement from Kamala is that she is going to work on inflation by implementing price controls, a Marxist idea that has never worked. Showing her economic depth, she said “price gaging” instead of “price gouging.” You can tell that, deep down, her economic knowledge is very shallow. Kamala Harris is a life-long government politician. At least the Bidens learned about business by creating all those shell LLCs and companies to launder their grifting money.

Che Guevara, Stalin, Mao, Hitler, Castro, Mussolini, Putin and North Korea’s Kim Jung Un are some of the economic luminaries who employed price controls. More recently, President Maduro ruined Venezuela, whose great economy he inherited, by putting in price controls to counter “parasitic bourgeoisie” capitalists. Vilifying capitalism is a shallow and pandering strategy always employed by the left. This is what Kamala is doing with her only stated economic plan to save us from the inflation the Democrats caused. Let’s call her “Che-mala.”

The Soviet Union-style price controls and economic policies show us that Dems have drifted far left. In their next James Bond movie, Hollywood will portray the villain as a man who eats red meat and refuses to properly identify his gender as “he/him.” 

Kamala continues to shamelessly pander to a group of voters who do not understand economics and just want to be given something by others. A free and fair market is the only way in which the lives of ordinary people are enhanced. History is clear: Socialist-style intervention by government scares away capital and capitalists, who are the ones providing goods and services to people at a fair price. 

The media continue to blatantly cover up Kamala’s far-left past. Kamala 5.0 is being created by the DNC in a lab (likely federally funded by Fauci and the NIH) and promoted by the media. They are “reintroducing her.” She has been reintroduced more times than the McRib. 

In a recent Media Research Center analysis, 84% of Kamala’s media coverage was positive, and 89% of Trump’s coverage was negative. Let that sink in. 

Any grass roots love of Kamala and “Tampon Tim” is just astroturf. Her minions cleared out and staged a visit to a convenience store to buy Doritos in Pennsylvania. They planted friends in a café to lob Kamala soft-ball questions. Kamala used child actors rather than regular kids in a famously staged Q and A. The one question the press got to ask her recently was, “Tell us about the work you have done in preparing your DNC speech.” A follow-up question might as well have been, “Tell us your favorite color.” Our media are at an all-time low.

Tim Waltz visited Red China 30 times, more times than Dennis Rodman visited North Korea. Kamala was voted the most liberal Senator, beating out Bernie Sanders. They all seem to have a fascination with communist policies and their promises: free healthcare, medical care and education. Yet they fail to mention communism’s three epic failures for the people: Breakfast, lunch and dinner. 

Ron Hart is a libertarian op-ed humorist, an award-winning author, and a frequent guest on TV and radio. He can be contacted at Ron@RonaldHart.com or @RonaldHart on Twitter.

The views and opinions expressed in this commentary are those of the author and do not reflect the official position of the Daily Caller.