Commentary/Satire by Bill the Butcher

A couple years ago I prophesied. Oh yes! Oh yes! I do that now and then, more when I was a drunk, but still do when the spirit moves me. I was speaking with the venerable Roger from The Liberty Beacon who publish me and discussing the recent invasion of Ukraine by Russia when the balata came upon me and I said, “Them Ukrainians gone stomp the puppy crap out of Russia.” Now Roger ain’t no street kid. He really is versed in all things political, historical and can wrench a decent radio show out of Karrie the Puck which is along the order of parting the Red Sea on the Sabbath so I pay close attention to him when he speaks. This time, however, he was contrary to a message from God, or at least an extremely good guess and he spoke. And his voice got holy, and powerful and resounded-duh. And he said, “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about!”

He then went ahead to explain to me about Russia’s military capabilities and how they would systematically stomp a mud hole in Ukraine and walk it dry. However, I kept my position. There were many reasons for this. Russia has enjoyed a fairly good run of publicity for a considerable amount of time. From the myth that they single handedly won World War 2 to the claim that they invented Viagra they have dazzled the world with one Yellow Submarine after another. Oh, they wrote that for the Beatles by the way. When they fell to pieces back when Vladimir Putin emerged and insinuated that he was the second coming of RASputin and with the help of Boney M Russia was back on the map. Oh, they claim they wrote that song, too. Putin embarked on trying to stitch the Russian Empire back together again. He started with Crimea. I think that might be the only war Russia has ever actually won since Catherine the Great was in a training bra. But they won it. That made them the Winner!

But Ukraine was a tasty morsel. Sitting down there with Hunter Biden heading up the labs and tap-dancing comedians running for President, Ukraine needed a little socialization to tighten up the border. So Russia jumped up and jumped on the biggest bunch of methheads on the planet. Now I’m from Killeen Texas. The meth capital of the DisUnited States. I know what a bunch of methheads can do when they run out of meth. There’s even a law in Killeen that if a methhead comes into a KFC saying they’re hungry they get a free thigh and a Coke. Killeen even tried to legalize marijuana within the city limits and the Attorney General of Texas lost a lawsuit to them. I crappith thee not! So I know methheads!

Now Roger’s position was that Russia could displace Ukraine in short order (without a lot of help from the west, which they got). I thought au Contrairé! Trying to take over Hunter Biden’s side hustle is far different than invading someplace where everyone is hanging out on a beach on the Black Sea. I don’t know. Maybe Putin wanted the beach for his granddaughters.

Well, time and tears went by. Russia took Kiev, Ukraine took it back. Russia sent missiles in, Ukraine sent missiles to the freaking Kremlin. And all the time the world expected Russia to finish it. And they tried. And tried and tried and tried. Putin reminded the Russian people that as a little boy he once killed a rat with a hammer and Zelenskyy reminded the Ukrainians that he won Ukraine has Talent. You can’t make this up people. Russia tried to flex its muscles by demonstrating a bomb that fell over on the launch pad, chasing the launch crew down a valley. So Zelenskyy produced a plan. Hell! Throw caution to the wind and invade Russia. I’m not kidding. He actually did that. Now this is they guy who reduces Russian tanks to scrap and sells them to the Mexicans. Like a . . . methhead! Told you I was from Killeen. I have found my brass water faucet gone because some hophead ran out of dope. Ra Ra Raputine! Suck on THAT Vladimir!

At first knowledge commentators said the invasion was a publicity ploy and Russia would respond with Czar Booma and destroy the world. But, if you will notice we’re all still here and Ukraine keeps invading invading and invading. Putin told his ministers that everything is under control, they’re only about a hundred miles inside of Russia. According to the Navy’s definition of rape, “Any penetration, no matter how slight, constitutes the act,” and I think we can all agree that Zelenskyy has a bit more than the head in. A meeting of Putin’s cabinet was up on YouTube yesterday and while his advisors were examining this problem, Putin looked like a child molester that just got turned out on the prison yard in Huntsville Texas! If we measure Ukrainian advances and project natural projection we are about ten days before we see the Ukraine colors flying above the Kremlin.

So, where are we. When Hitler found himself in this position, he shot himself in the mouth. Putin is still running his. Biden is playing Jacks, Harris is rolling in phoney polls like a dog in a dead armadillo and Trump is galloping to the White House on a white horse. And I stand by my prophecy. I close with the words of another prophet, Paul McCartney, “Them Urkraine girls really turn me on, they leave the West behind!” Verily Verily I say unto thee. . .

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