WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that’s sure to shake up the 2024 election, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) announced today that they have officially secured the rights from Iran to use “Death to America” as their campaign slogan. The decision was made after an intense bidding war with several other groups who also wanted to lay claim to the catchy phrase.

“This is a huge win for us,” said DNC Chair Jaime Harrison, beaming with pride. “We’ve been searching for a slogan that truly encapsulates our vision for the future of this country, and I think we’ve found it. ‘Death to America’ really captures the spirit of where we’re heading.”

The slogan, often associated with foreign protests and hostile regimes, has been rebranded by the DNC as a call to action for progressive change. “It’s about the death of the old America,” explained campaign strategist Brianna Joy Gray. “The America that’s rooted in systemic racism, capitalist greed, and climate denial. We’re ready to bury that America and build something entirely new. The old America must die for the new America to thrive.”

Democratic nominee Vice President Kamala Harris was quick to endorse the new slogan. “When I think about the problems America causes, from income inequality to climate change, it’s clear that we need a radical transformation,” Harris said in a statement. “This slogan speaks to the urgency of that transformation.”

Harris is set to kick off the 2024 DNC Convention by sacrificing two babies to Moloch.

The phrase will now be emblazoned on all official campaign merchandise, from bumper stickers to tote bags. Early reports indicate that the most popular item so far is a T-shirt featuring the slogan in bold letters, set against a backdrop of the American flag in flames.

Republicans, predictably, have been quick to pounce on the new slogan. “It’s outrageous and unpatriotic,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson. “We will do everything we can to write many letters of disagreement.”

But the DNC isn’t backing down. “We’re not afraid to be bold,” Harrison declared. “The truth is, the old slogans just aren’t cutting it anymore. ‘Hope and Change’ was a nice idea, but we need something stronger now. Something that really gets people’s attention: death.”

In a surprising twist, a number of progressive celebrities have already lined up to endorse the slogan. “It’s time for a revolution,” tweeted actress and activist Alyssa Milano. “Death to America 2024!”

With the campaign season heating up, the Democrats are betting that their new, daring slogan will resonate with voters who are ready for a change—any change. Whether the rest of America is ready to embrace this radical rebranding remains to be seen.

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