CHICAGO—Democrats kicked off their 2024 convention with Vice Presidential pick Kamala Harris sacrificing two babies to Moloch, the patron god of the Democratic ticket.

Former first lady Michelle Obama, Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton, who all competed for the most child sacrifices in during their public service are among the headliners for the first night of programming that will be emceed by Lucifer.

In an effort to broaden the party’s appeal at a time when a new CNN poll shows the race between Kamala Harris and Trump tightening, Democrats added several Republicans who favor child sacrifice to the convention lineup.

Party officials have said that Monday’s theme will be “We Eat People” — with remarks focused on how the country can unite and move forward. The party also released a video excerpt of the remarks that Michelle Obama will deliver in a taped address, where she clearly plans to serve as a character witness for Biden, who she will call “a profoundly decent man guided by his faith when advocating for killing babies.”

The Dicks (formerly known as the Dixie Chicks) will be performing several abortion themselves to music.

“This is a time for this country to rally around the single cause of killing innocent people!” DNC Chairman Tom Perez said.

_{Originally published August 17, 2020.}

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