MALVERN, PA — Pastor James Tanner announced this morning at church that tithes were down at Malvern Presbyterian, and also that the morning sermon was sponsored by Dave's Auto Body Repair Shop.

"So, all that to say tithing was down 22% year over year. Now, before we open our bibles to Romans chapter 5, today's sermon is brought to you by Dave's Auto Body Repair Shop," Tanner noted as he took the pulpit Sunday. "If your fenders are as much of a wreck as your prayer life, stop by Dave's on Lancaster Avenue today for all your auto body repair needs."

"I'd also like to note that Dave's is running a special this week," Tanner continued. "Anyone who can correctly name two of today's five sermon points will get 10% off all rust removal services. But hurry, because unlike God's free gift of salvation, this offer is only available for a limited time."

Congregant Stan Moyer says that while he understands the budget pressures, he's still unsure about corporate sponsorships for sermons. "I'm glad we found a solution to the money shortfall, but it was a little weird that he stopped the sermon every 10 minutes for another commercial," said Moyer. "Going back and forth from justification through Christ to fender repair, well it was a bit distracting."

After the conclusion of the sermon, pastor Tanner asked the congregation to bow their heads for the benediction, which was graciously sponsored by Marsh's Dry Cleaning on 5th street next to the Burger King.

Want proof that Jesus was a woke socialist? Look no further than these classic quotes straight from the Bible.