Is there a psychiatrist in the house?

A Major League Baseball commissioner?

Steve Cohen?

The Mets’ general manager?

A quality control officer?

How about a good old-fashioned teacher/nun with a ruler?

It was Camp Day at Citi Field on Thursday afternoon, thousands of kids in the ballpark, many of them already irreversibly desensitized and anti-socialized by the commercial prompts that attack their vulnerable central nervous systems before they can distinguish bad from worse.

So the Mets did what any prudent, cautious babysitter would do:

It invited a 22-year-old woman who had found sudden fame and following thanks to a TikTok video of her imitating how she prepares to perform oral sex, dressed her in a Mets’ jersey, then honored her by having her throw out the ceremonial first pitch.

Take it, camp counselors! Explain it to the children you’ve been assigned to safely escort. If you knew or knew not who she is and why she was invited then honored at a Major League game, try telling the kids. After all, she’s on everyone’s cell phone.

Not that some of the 11-year-olds didn’t already know, social media being what it has become … and Rob Manfred & Co. being the negligent game-wreckers that they are, despite Manfred’s declaration that doing right to sustain kids as fans as his top priority.

Look where we’ve landed, then ask why we’re here.

We just completed the Obese Drag Queen Olympics assigned to be hosted by a career creep — the bottom-feeding, often-arrested rapper/mumbler Snoop Dogg. He had as much to do with the Olympics as that young woman’s sexual habits have to do with the Mets, with the exception of Pete Alonso’s classy “LFGM” that the Mets should have long ago demanded be left in a Dumpster.

Just last season, Manfred and the Dodgers granted on-field Pride Night honors to unshaven, corpulent, Catholics-bashing, cross-dressing males dressed as nuns as legit representatives of L.A.’s gay population.

The media outrage was virtually non-existent.

Yet, when Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker spoke his family-first conviction at a Catholic college’s graduation ceremony, the NFL joined the media to condemn such words, as if he’s a radical anti-American subversive activist, or, worse, as if family should not be ranked so high.

As the ESPN noblewoman Serena Williams, as host of the ESPYs, declared to Butker, seated in the audience, his mind could use some immediate cleansing and changing. Only a subversive extremist of any religion, including none, would have the audacity to declare that his or her family deserves a No. 1 ranking.

The Mets have chosen to travel such a low road before, once honoring face-tattooed gutter rapper 50 Cent by having him throw out the first pitch.

Why Fiddy? Because he’s from Queens. Thus being from Queens was more of an accomplishment than his arrests for crack possession, heroin and a gun.

Yet, at about the same time, the Mets fired two long-time employees, including their popular public address announcer, because a newly hired female — an eavesdropper — complained that she overheard one telling a dirty joke to the other.

But imagine being the parents of kids entrusted to camp counselors and camps to safely entertain their children who arrive at an afternoon Mets game where the game begins with a ceremony honoring a young woman known among the socially disenfranchised for oral sex.

Why?! Tell us, why! What were the Mets thinking? Could they find no one more worthy? Or did they know that this kind of team promotion is passively allowed by Manfred and his useful idiots?

Or did they allow Roger Goodell’s classy, “family-first” pornographic Super Bowl halftime shows serve as their inspiration?

Provided it’s still possible to shame the shameless, the Mets, Steve Cohen and Rob Manfred owe a few thousand families an apology. Or, far worse, a refund.

One benching won’t cure loafing all by itself

Aaron Boone Baseball doesn’t just suddenly disappear. Not even after a brief benching of Gleyber Torres for doubling into a single.

A big moment in a big game is coming when Juan Soto winds up a big base short because he chose to pose at the plate before running toward first. (See: Giancarlo Stanton, at Boston in the Yanks’ 2021 season-ending wild-card loss).

Monday, in a loss to the White Sox, Soto was thrown out at first on a close play because he chose to first watch his one-bounce line drive to first be gloved on a diving stab.

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Tough-to-root-for WNBA star Angel Reese, anything but angelic, has complained that she’s a victim of sexism rather than her impudent conduct.

Then last week, as is her habit, she posed for photos barely wearing a teenie-weenie pink bikini. But frightened, pandering media have learned to ignore such conspicuous truths.

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Both Yankees YES telecasts and Mets SNY telecasts continue to superimpose bogus strike zones over live play, then offer them as replay proof as to whether the home plate ump got the call wrong.

We’ll try this again: The prescribed strike zone is from the letters to the knees. It doesn’t begin at the belt line as seen on TV.

The only time attention is paid to the batter’s height is when Aaron Judge is at the plate. YES vertically stretches that box to reflect his 6-foot-7-inches.

Lots of Amazin’ revelry, not much winning

The Mets sure have their celebrations in regimented, rehearsed order, from “OMG” signs paraded in the dugout, to home run skits, to signaling the dugout for approval after hitting — OMG! — a single.

Does it matter that they’re extremely ordinary and were just swept in Seattle then lost two-of-three at home to the Triple-A A’s? Nah.

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Where are all the won’t-be-silenced, empowered female activists to protest the inclusion of biological males to easily defeat and often injure smaller, naturally weaker opponents in female athletic contests? Why their silence?

Or do they consider the advocation of fair play to be political?

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With ESPN Radio-NY moving to 880, reader Jeff Cohen writes that it’ll be interesting when “The Michael Kay Show” becomes the lead-in to Mets games.

And with this month’s regretful end to WCBS News Radio 880, we recall a brilliant line spoken on the station.

It came in 2014 from sports anchor Gordon Damer.

After reporting that the Phillies had traded pitcher Roberto Hernandez to the Dodgers, Damer added that Hernandez used to be known as Fausto Carmona.

He ended with the news that the Phils will receive “two players to be named later.”