WASHINGTON, D.C. — To avoid further embarrassment from bewildering and offensive speeches, White House officials have installed a breathalyzer on Kamala Harris's microphone.

The decision was reportedly made in a closed-door meeting in which top administration advisers elected to equip her with a microphone that won't turn on unless she tests free of mind-altering drugs, and below the blood alcohol concentration threshold of 0.08%,

"Hopefully this will help us avoid more disaster," said one White House insider. "We've just been going into these speeches blind. Everything will seem to be going smoothly, then all of a sudden she's up there slurring her speech, dropping F-bombs, and laughing like a serial killer. Installing the breathalyzer will mitigate some of the risk involved with giving her a live mic."

"We've been through enough," the insider said. "We've got to do something. Handing her a microphone is just rolling the dice and hoping she doesn't start a war. She either spouts gibberish or she starts insulting the audience and cursing. There's no in-between. We're desperate here."

At publishing time, the White House had also confirmed they had started giving President Biden a microphone that doesn't work at all.

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