BAGRAM — An impressive arsenal of American military weaponry was put on display today, as the Taliban held a parade to honor Kamala Harris's historic achievements in the nation of Afghanistan.

To commemorate its three years of control over what was once a U.S. stronghold, the Taliban put on a show at Bagram Airbase, displaying all of the high-grade military equipment it inherited when Vice President Harris and the Biden administration abandoned the base.

"We could never have become this strong without Kamala Harris," said Taliban spokesterrorist Hassan Al-Samir. "Though we were once a rag-tag band of goat herders causing trouble in the mountains, we are now a fully equipped military force. Thank you, Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. You helped make us what we are today. Death to America!"

Though the Taliban's invitations to Biden and Harris went unanswered, they were there in spirit nonetheless. "They have done more for us than anyone else," Al-Samir explained. "All of these helicopters, tanks, and Humvees… we owe it all to the generosity of Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. We only wish they were here to help us celebrate the anniversary of our victory. After all, it could not have happened without them."

At publishing time, several Taliban officials confirmed that they were holding out hope that Harris would be victorious in the U.S. presidential election in November. "Are you kidding?" Al-Samir said. "Nothing would make us happier than seeing a President Kamala Harris. It would really boost our morale around here."

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