After a dangerously close assassination attempt on Donald Trump led to its director stepping down and increased scrutiny for the organization, the Secret Service has announced an extensive two-week training program that all new agents must take, sources have confirmed. 

“Okay, no more screwing around,” said Cheryl Wilkins, the newly appointed director of the Secret Service. “The old application/interview process is over with. We have to start vetting our guys a little bit better. This is the Secret Service for God’s sake, not a Cinnabon! We ought to be able to stop a dickhead kid from nearly murdering a former President, in my opinion.” 

Citizens were relieved to hear of the Secret Service’s newly reformed admission process. 

“That makes sense,” said local resident Frank Orton. “I know it’s a hard and thankless job, but it’s an important one. These agents have to receive the proper training. Hopefully they find the time during the two weeks to cover how to secure every roof within a stone’s throw of one of the most controversial figures in modern history. Fingers crossed they’re able to squeeze that into the lesson plan!” 

As of press time, the Secret Service also confirmed that all graduates of the new two-week training course would receive a License to Kill, and a gift card to The Olive Garden.