WASHINGTON, D.C. — Paying a visit to the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, a puzzled Governor Tim Walz asked the guard why he bothered staying with his fallen comrade instead of just deserting him.

"Who cares about some no-name soldier?" asked Walz, laughing jovially. "Isn't there something else you'd rather be doing?"

Onlookers reported that Walz followed the guard at the Tomb back and forth for about half an hour, dumbstruck at why he wouldn't quit and go home. "Come on, what do we owe this dead guy? It's hot outside in this suit," said Walz as the guard remained silent. "It's so simple, buddy. Just walk away. What in the world would compel you to stay by this guy's side?"

According to sources, Governor Walz became confused upon entering Arlington National Cemetery, unsure why someone would actually die in service to their country. "Why didn't they quit when they found out they were going to be deployed?" asked Walz, shaking his head at the tombstones. "It just makes no sense to me. They literally give you a few months warning, with ample time to abandon your unit."

At publishing time, Governor Walz had been seen questioning families at the Korean War memorial why they bothered leaving flowers for soldiers who hadn't thought to desert their unit.

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