Flaming spokes-queer for the Olympics Thomas Jolly has issued an apology for an opening ceremony display in which drag queens ridiculed Leonardo Da Vinci’s famous depiction of Jesus Christ’s Last Supper. Jolly, who is gay, which also means jolly, who is totally gay, said in his apology, “I want to sincerely apologize to any far-right turds who are still stupid enough to believe in God and therefore may have felt all grumpy and offended when we spit on everything they hold dear. By way of making amends, let me explain to you ignorant buffoons that the drag queen imitation of the Last Supper was not a drag queen imitation of the Last Supper but instead was a tribute to the Greek god of wine Dionysus and was simply meant as a celebration of the fact of our being alive because we had drag queens imitate the Last Supper, instead of mocking Muslims who would have stopped us from being alive by throwing us off a roof.” 

Flaming spokes-queer gay Jolly later amended his apology to say, “Okay, it had nothing to do with Dionysus and we were mocking the Last Supper but it was still a celebration of being alive because we were too chicken to mock Muslims.” 

Now on a personal note, it may be true that some touchy, small-minded Christians were put out by having one of the most solemn moments in a faith centered on truth and morality ridiculed by a bunch of men in falsies and lipstick interrupting a life of self-degradation and the corruption of children in order to pervert a magnificent Christian work of art by turning it from a thing of beauty into a barely watchable display of homosexual narcissism, however I take a broader view. 

When it comes to the Olympics, I know that dedicated young people have worked their hearts out with uncanny discipline and commitment in order to perform stunning feats of athletics that absolutely no one cares about. For two weeks, all over the world, people gaze in amazement at their television sets and think, “Is there really nothing more interesting on? Like reruns of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” or “Australia’s Naughtiest Videos.” And of course, I’m generalizing here, so please don’t write in and say you’re offended. Obviously, beach volleyball can be tolerable if the girls are really built. And “Australia’s Naughtiest Videos” actually had some good episodes too.

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But for those of us who have standards or good taste or are sentient, the Olympics is like watching paint dry after it’s done a bunch of somersaults on the parallel bars and a group of corrupt foreigners hold up signs giving it a completely arbitrary score before awarding their country a gold medal for best drying paint. 

And normally I and other people with sex lives don’t think about the Olympics at all except to wish that it was over because that would mean it’s almost football season. But all that changed this year, because of flaming spokes-queer gay Jolly’s mockery of a religion he won’t be able to comprehend until he stands before the throne of God wondering if the old Dionysus excuse will get him out of the eternal punishment he so richly deserves. But now, I can not watch the Olympics with a real sense of accomplishment. Instead of simply taking a walk or maybe reading a book to learn more about the brilliant artistry and symbolism of Da Vinci’s masterpiece so I can understand just how beautiful a work flaming gay Jolly was mocking when he managed to mix shallowness with cowardice by simultaneously snickering at the God who loves him while kowtowing to the God who would happily toss him off a roof…

Where was I going with this sentence?

Oh yeah, instead of just ignoring the whole thing by not watching it, I can not watch it with a new purpose and gusto, feeling that my natural unwillingness to be bored to death by people doing somersaults for some reason has been given fresh meaning by my deep desire to tell flaming gay Jolly that it would have been much better if he had actually participated in this year’s Olympic events by taking a flying jump.

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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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