Some scurrilous social media disinformation sources have taken to accusing Vice President Kamala Harris of supporting the Green New Deal, banning fracking, defunding the police, and describing herself as Indian.

Experts using science however agree that Kamala Harris didn’t say any of these things, and that if she said them she didn’t mean them and anyway coconuts are an incredibly delicious source of nutrients that are also used to power the space shuttle.

Faced with cheapfakes, fakecheaps, AI deepfakes, and misinformation, the intelligence community has already concluded that as of last week, Kamala Harris has nothing to do with some unknown (possibly Russian) impersonator who temporarily played the vice president and occasionally the border czar.

That Kamala Harris, prone to inappropriate malapropisms, circuitous sentences, and awkward cackles best suited to a sitcom laugh track, has nothing to do with the exciting new candidate Kamala Harris(!) who emerged last week and has already garnered 2 billion social media followers, $500 million in donations and 1.2 trillion volunteers all ready to campaign and cast their votes in Atlanta.

Kamala Harris II is not only a genius who can fix everything but is literally a being who has never existed until last week and cannot be blamed for any of the actions of Kamala Harris I whom scientific experts in the intelligence community have signed a paper saying was probably an android programmed by Republicans to be really annoying.

Unburdened by the past, Kamala II is ready to march into the future while accepting responsibility for none of the past. She is black or Indian and likes the same things you like (probably) and mostly is incredibly awesome because she doesn’t really exist. Like Schrodinger’s Cat, she is in a state of flux due to her quantum uncertainty. She may be one thing or another. Like William James’ theory of “I” and “Me”, she may not even be a truly conscious being, but a collection of momentary impulses in which case she can’t be blamed for the border, the economy or any of it.

The one thing we know about Kamala is that she isn’t Kamala. She’s everything except Kamala.