Dems Pretend to be Excited About Moronic Descendant of Slave Owners That No One Voted For

WASHINGTON, DC—Democrat voter Lou Nee is over the moon to have a chance to vote for someone whose family owned slaves in Haiti. “I wasn’t around to vote for Washington or Jefferson, and I wasn’t around to vote during the Civil War, but now I have a chance to vote for a true Democrat former slave owner. Wow,” exclaimed Nee, while clutching a campaign flyer.

The Democratic National Committee (DNC) has recently unveiled its latest darling: a candidate whose ancestors owned slaves in Haiti. Despite no one casting a single vote for this individual, the DNC has gone full throttle in its promotion, pretending to be excited about the candidate’s dubious historical ties.

“Yes, while being from a family of slave owners would normally be an automatic disqualification for office, it’s now okay because the candidate has the right party affiliation,” declared DNC spokesperson Ima Shill.

Lou Nee, ever the enthusiastic supporter, donned his historical costume for a press conference. Pulling the white sheet over his head, Nee said, “Yes, that’s true if the nominee was Trump or any other Republican. But for a Democrat, it’s a sign of our complex and nuanced understanding of history.”

Meanwhile, the DNC has been tirelessly crafting a narrative to soften the blow of their new candidate’s background. “We’re all about redemption and progress,” explained Shill. “If our candidate’s great-great-granddaddy was a slave owner, that just means we have a long tradition of… owning up to our past. Or something like that.”

As the news spread, Democratic voters across the country have been feigning enthusiasm. “I mean, who cares about actual qualifications or voter support?” said another Democrat voter, Polly Titan. “It’s all about the story, right? And what’s a better story than turning a descendant of a slave owner into a progressive icon? It’s poetic, or at least it will be after a few campaign ads.”

The candidate, who prefers to remain anonymous to add to the mystique, has made limited public appearances. In the few speeches given, they emphasized unity and moving forward while glossing over any inconvenient truths about their lineage. “We must look to the future,” the candidate said, “and not dwell on the mistakes of our forefathers, unless it’s politically convenient.”

As the DNC continues to push this candidate, Lou Nee remains hopeful. “This is my chance to be part of history, no matter how absurd it may be,” he said, waving a small flag. “Democracy means sometimes voting for the descendant of a slave owner because, hey, at least it’s not Trump.”

With the general election on the horizon, the Democrats are betting that their voters’ capacity for cognitive dissonance will carry them through. As one anonymous party strategist put it, “If we can make people believe this, we can make them believe anything.”

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