Legendary Black Sabbath bassist Geezer Butler shelled out a staggering $1.7 million at auction to acquire Richard Simmons’ iconic shorts. The red and white striped short shorts, famously worn by Simmons during his “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” heyday, now hold the record for the most expensive piece of fitness memorabilia ever sold.

The auction, held at Sotheby’s, saw a fierce bidding war between Butler and an unnamed billionaire who’s last name rhymes with ‘Tusk’. The room was thick with tension as bids escalated at a pace that would have made even the most seasoned auctioneer sweat. Finally, Butler emerged victorious, his love of Simmons and short shorts surpassing even that of the anonymous rival.

Geezer Butler & Richard Simmons

Butler was a big fan of the recently passed Simmons. “I have been sweating to the oldies for years” said Geezer. “Not many people know this but at one point I was 300 pounds. However, thanks to Richard and his deal a meal and workout tapes, I lost it all and got down to my fighting weight of 150 stone. Rich was my boy and I was very sad to learn of his passing. Now I have a small piece of him wherever I go. Believe it or not, I wear the shorts to sleep in. They are a little snug but it is comforting.” 

Geezer is a big collector of oddities and fitness memorabilia. His collection includes Queen Elizabeth’s bloomers, Joan of Arc’s chastity belt, Margaret Thatcher’s diaphragm, J Edgar Hoover’s negligee, Jane Fonda’s leotard, Olivia Newton John’s leg warmers and now Richard Simmons shorts. 

Butler continued, “I am thinking of starting a museum. My prize piece is a jock strap worn by both Arnold Schwarzenegger and The Rock. The worst surprise I ever received was when I was inspecting Jane Fonda’s leotards. They were gross, brown, red and yellow stains if you know what I mean.”

Speculation is rife about what Geezer Butler might bid on next. “The holy grail for me” said Geezer, “Would be to get the skeleton of Jack LaLanne. That’s right, the guy who started the whole fitness craze. I found a guy on the dark web who has the bones and is willing to sell as a whole or parts. I will keep you posted on that. But one thing is for sure, If we do this Black Sabbath reunion, you can be darn sure that I will be on that stage rocking these red and white striped short shorts. It will be my way to honor the memory of Richard.”

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