In what some Democrats are calling a “stutter” and a “goof”, President* Biden said his main reason for stepping out of the 2024 presidential election was that the July 13 assassination attempt on Donald Trump didn’t work.

”We really thought [Trump] would be out of the picture by the time people realized I couldn’t formulate a coherent sentence or appear in public without pooping in my pants,” Biden said.

“We tried everything,” the Democrat incumbent said, “we had him arrested and convicted in a rigged trial. We even put a banana in his tailpipe. Nothing seemed to work.”

”When that little dork in Pennsylvania couldn’t hit his mark, we realized we didn’t have a chance,” Biden said.

Many pundits have questioned Biden’s deteriorating cognitive ability, claiming this is just another example of him saying the quiet part out loud.

”He often reads teleprompter notes like ‘Repeat the line’ and ‘put fist down’,” Democrat strategist Blu Bahler said. “This is him just reading all the notes out loud.”

”He clearly has a cold,” said MSNBC commentator Rachell Maddow. “Clearly he didn’t mean to imply that the Democrats would organize an assassination attempt on the president. Ahhh! Why did he miss?!?!” she said and began to cry on air.

Biden Press Secretary Kairen Jean-Valjean tried to clarify afterward. “When the president said ‘We tried to whack Trump’, he obviously meant that we wanted whack him rhetorically,” she said.

”And when the president said that he wanted ‘Trump in a body bag before the convention’, he clearly meant that he wanted Trump to autograph his golf bag.”

In response to the statement, the FBI said they would be investigating the Biden campaign but did so with an exaggerated wink.

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