WASHINGTON, D.C. — With many puzzling questions still remaining unanswered in the wake of the attempted assassination of former President Donald Trump at a Pennsylvania campaign rally last week, the United States Secret Service announced that it was working tirelessly to investigate anyone who criticized its incompetence.

Washington lawmakers, media pundits, and the general public alike all raised red flags over inconsistencies and apparent failures of the Secret Service in the close call Trump experienced, leading the government agency to release an official statement that it was doing everything within its power to track down anyone who would dare to question the impeccable record of the Secret Service.

"We will not rest until we find everyone who is trying to make us look bad," said Secret Service spokesperson Valerie Porter. "What happened last weekend at President Trump's rally shook everyone up. In order to restore the public's faith in the Secret Service, we promise to discover the identities of anyone criticizing us and bring them to justice."

Trump narrowly survived with minor injuries, but every detail discovered about the shooting seemed to only raise more questions, leaving Secret Service officials determined to pursue their critics to the bitter end. "Every concerned American citizen can rest assured," Porter continued. "The people responsible for seeking to hold our agency accountable will be held accountable."

At publishing time, sources within the Secret Service reported that agents had been instructed to pursue the agency's critics wherever they went unless they were located on a moderately sloped roof.

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