List of Characters

Man: a 30-something year-old man attending a gay pride parade.

Volunteer: a 30-something year-old male assigned by parade organizers to hand out fliers and paraphernalia along the parade route.

The scene: A man watches a pride parade roll by when a volunteer handing out free SWAG approaches him.

Volunteer: Hi, welcome to the gay pride parade! Please have a free pride T-shirt!

Man: Wow, thank you! Nice design! What a vibrant rainbow. The unicorn wearing leather chaps is a nice flourish.

Volunteer: Yeah, go ahead and put it on.

Man: Oh, no thanks. I’ll put it on later.

Volunteer. No. Put it on.

Man (nervously): Uh, no thanks?

Volunteer (after 10 seconds of unnerving silence): Put. The shirt on. Now!

Man (terrified): I, uh, don’t want to.

Volunteer (fuming): You don’t like gay people!

Man: I’m at a gay pride parade!

Volunteer: Are you gay?

Man: No. But I largely support gay causes.

Volunteer: You’re all talk — you probably don’t support gay marriage!

Man: I was best man at my brother’s wedding to his husband in the Hamptons!

Volunteer: Ah, I know — you don’t support trans women!

Man: I do, too!

Volunteer: Really? If you support trans women, then you won’t mind having sex with one.

Man: Well, that’s just fine and—wait a minute! (Looking skyward as if reflecting on advanced calculus.) Does that mean … Y chromosome … Big Adam’s apple … Look, I don’t want to put the T-shirt on.

Volunteer: Do you support Queers for Radical Islamic Terror?

Man: Wait. Do you mean Queers for Palestine?

Volunteer: Same thing.

Man: Of course not. It’s impossible to support people whose extreme religious dictates, by and large, seek to kill homosexuals merely because they exist! Let me ask you: is gay marriage legal in Gaza?

Volunteer: Not at the moment.

Man: Why?

Volunteer: Because they tend to throw the wedding parties off hotel roofs.

Man: That’s right! They’re fanatics! The chalk outlines of Bert and Ernie can be seen on Sesame Street Gaza! And they’re not even gay! Supporting Queers for Palestine is like supporting Embryos for Abortion.

Volunteer: Do you support drag queen story hours for children at public libraries or family-friendly drag shows?

Man: I, well, no. I don’t support any man or woman presenting anything remotely sexual — gay or straight — to children beyond its procreative meaning. Heck, I remember that from the fourth grade. But children are impressionable and easily confused, and there’s no need for kindergartners to learn about gratuitous sex. Kids should never view images of oral sex or a sex act of any kind in books available in school libraries. And I would wager a vast majority of gay people who want to live their lives agree with me.

Volunteer: Did Hitler dedicate Mein Kampf to you? You are a Neanderthal fit to be pilloried. What do you have against gay people?

Man: Nothing! It’s just that —

Volunteer: Ah! I knew it! Just that what?

Man: I don’t think you should call it Pride Month.

Volunteer: Why not?

Man: Because Pride is one of the seven deadly sins. It’s considered the deadliest sin that leads to all other sins. It’s the excessive love of one’s own excellence. Remember, Proverbs 16:18 says, “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.”

Volunteer: Haughty spirit? What does John Kerry have to do with any of this?

Man: Can you name one other month when we celebrate sin? I mean, it’s not like we label July Gluttony Month.

Volunteer: You idiot. This is the United States of America. Have you been to a Waffle House? We celebrate Gluttony every day of the year!

Man: I appreciate the T-shirt. I don’t want to wear it now.

Volunteer: You are selfishness with man boobs.

Man: Listen to me! I want to know one thing. Why do you want me to put on this shirt so badly?

Volunteer: Because people like you need to learn tolerance!

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