WASHINGTON D.C. — According to the Associated Press, sources close to President Biden reported this week that the embattled president is ‘often alive and conscious but sometimes mostly dead.'

Despite President Biden's recent tendencies to freeze in rigor mortis, stop breathing and cease brain function, The AP sees encouraging signs that The President is still often alive and even occasionally semi-conscious.

After being bombarded with questions about Biden's health at a press conference on Wednesday, White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre helpfully answered, "Look, I think we have been very clear that, you know, not only am I going to not answer your questions, but I'm going to use up 15 to 20 seconds of your time not answering them."

Associated Press reporters seemed largely satisfied with the White House's transparency and noted that Biden's doctor also found some light brain activity last week.

At publishing time, the AP had changed their official slogan to "The Associated Press: Truth, But Sometimes Lies."

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