At times like this, it’s tempting to gloat, but conservatives must be gracious winners. We must be courteous to our defeated opponents even though they would not have shown us the same respect had Kamala Harris won. We must resist the temptation to revel in their misery.

With cordiality and sophistication in mind, I’ll use the most dignified analogy I can think of in describing what Democrats are going through at this very moment. When I was in fifth grade, some kid pooped himself while doing pull-ups in gym class. He was mortified. I’ll never forget the look on his face. For more than 30 years after that moment, I never witnessed that level of humiliation again — but then on Nov. 5, 2024, something happened. 

After surviving two assassination attempts and a barrage of propaganda and hoaxes from the Democrat Party, what President Donald Trump did to Democrats on Election Day was the equivalent of slipping them a laxative an hour before a hot yoga class. 

As the night unfolded and it became clear that Trump would be the 47th president, smug grins gave way to denial, and then to hysteria. Like that poor bastard hanging from the pull-up bar with excrement running down his legs, talking heads on MSNBC and CNN began sweating bullets as panic set in, silently chanting to themselves “No…no! This can’t be happening!” 

Oh, but it is happening. 

I feel a sudden change of heart coming on. Maybe it’s because my wife and I have a toddler, but as I continue to write, it’s becoming difficult to restrain my inner child. Instead of staying above the fray with my high-minded excretory analogy — just this once — I must give into temptation and feast at the trough of puerile slop with the other hogs. 

HAHAHAHA! 

On second thought, nobody should feel sorry for the wretched degenerates who trafficked in the most poisonous political lies of our lifetime, including the regime media, Joe Biden, Barack and Michelle Obama, Liz Cheney, Tim “Jazz Hands” Walz, and the cackling dope at the top of their ticket: Kamala “I’m Speaking” Harris. They deserve our scorn. 

It is perfectly acceptable to point and laugh at these people. In fact, I insist you do. They are tyrannical, destructive, self-righteous, compulsive liars who deserve mockery after their demoralizing defeat. Their zealotry puts our civilization at risk. Their open borders caused the brutal murder of children and many others while compromising our national security. Their ghoulish transgender ideology sexually mutilates and sterilizes children and adults. Their degradation of our military emboldens autocrats and terrorists the world over. They siphoned money from our coffers to defend the borders of other nations while ours remained wide open.

They funded the Taliban. They chauffeured migrants into the country on airliners and upended the culture of entire towns by dumping tens of thousands of foreigners into their laps. They propped up a cadaverous Joe Biden and lied about his senility. They muzzled American children with useless masks and tried to force us to inject an experimental substance into our bodies under threat of losing our jobs, all while they crowed about bodily autonomy.

They called us garbage, Nazis, and white supremacists. They called Trump a fascist, Hitlerian dictator. Democrats’ incessant lying has contributed to a wave of mental illness among their own voters who remain trapped in the throes of a terrible delusion, high off media propaganda like Hunter Biden doing rails in a White House bathroom. 

Because of all this and more, it is our duty to celebrate. We are the moral victors. President Trump’s win has many implications, but above all, it means the legacy media have officially lost their grip on this nation. They are gatekeepers no more, and nobody should feel guilty about indulging in their defeat.