On the topic of masculinity, our current culture is a storm of opinions, claims, and outright dangerous ideas. Many men and women recognize something is off, but we’re often not sure how to respond, and the means by which we oppose the cultural trends can actually end up being counterproductive, making things worse.

Often, we see that the next generation ends up in a pendulum swing from the extreme of the last generation, rather than landing on the truth of the matter.

I myself am an Eastern Orthodox Christian, and I run a coaching practice that blends psychology with the wisdom of early Christian spirituality and modern Orthodox asceticism. An important theme in the Orthodox spiritual lineage is that we cannot look at two errors and find the truth, as is the strategy of the Hegelian dialectic. Seeing two extremes can help us diagnose a problem, but only a direct encounter with the truth itself can give us the solution.

The truth is Christ, and the solution is the cross.

Christ tells us that real happiness comes from loving others, not ourselves.

I went through a phase of exploring different religions and worldviews before becoming an Orthodox Christian. One of the themes that I noticed was fairly universal was the archetypal heroes and villains. Many before me have commented on this phenomenon, such as Joseph Campbell and Jordan Peterson, but I want to hone in on a particular distinction between hero and villain.

What seems to define a hero, even across cultures and worldviews, is that they are sacrificial. We value a character who thinks of others and of their well-being and who sacrifices and even dies for other people. At the same time, we value them being secure in themselves, that they are not being “nice” in order to get something or to protect themselves but that they freely choose to give on behalf of others.

On the other hand, what unites villains is their selfishness. Their top priority is their own power, pleasure, and status. Even when they collaborate with others, their only intention is to use them. Even when they say, “I love you,” it is more about loving the way the person makes them feel. Villains are the pinnacle of objectification, seeing everything around them only in terms of their own desires.

Interestingly, the villain model is very much driven by an evolutionary idea of “survival of the fittest," yet even the most staunch atheist despises being around someone who actually thinks like this.

Men are often drawn to the archetypes of the hero and the warrior.

Humanity is built to live self-sacrificially like this because we are made in the image of the self-sacrificial God. We are told in scripture that “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). Christ is clear throughout the Gospels that if you only love those who love you, you are no different than anyone else.

What is key is that we love when we don’t get something back — that we give without receiving. Much of the gospel is the revelation of our hearts being extremely transactional like the money lenders in the Temple, instead of giving unconditionally like Christ. It is from such a divine heart that he could be abused, tortured, betrayed, spat upon, and more, and yet sincerely pray, “Forgive them Father, they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).

Even without appealing to Christianity, we know that the little old ladies who cook for their communities are deeply loved and pass away surrounded by loved ones, whereas those who think only of themselves drive others away.

Christ tells us that real happiness comes from loving others, not ourselves (and it is arguable that loving yourself is an oxymoron, antithetical to the person-to-person nature of love expressed in the Trinity).

The man who runs away from his friends in danger leaves us with a deep pit in our stomachs.

In our quest to understand how to be fulfilled as men, it is important to see that there is a universal answer: to take up our crosses.

Men who rush onto the battlefield, especially to help a fallen comrade, win our hearts. Men who do not get defensive at criticism but can sincerely consider it and admit they are wrong make us feel safer to be ourselves. Men willing even to look like an idiot or to be humiliated, when it helps someone else, end up fathers who produce the most stable children. Over and over, the stable man who gives from inner stability becomes a rock and foundation for his family, his society, and for humanity.

In contrast to this man are two extremes: the outward coward and the inward coward. The outward coward, rather than being kind, becomes “nice” and puts his effort into not making waves. He makes sacrifices, but they are for himself. The inner coward, on the other hand, projects an image of strength and sacrifice, but inwardly it is all about himself. He is usually revealed to be a selfish boy when his inner cowardice is exposed, usually through some kind of humiliation. Deep down, the inner coward deeply fears being exposed. There is, then, a tendency for this type of man to be very narcissistic.

Unfortunately, both of these cowardly men tend to place the blame on the other. The “nice” man tends to blame unkindness on the “strong” man, and likewise the “strong” man blames the weakness of the “nice guys.” Often times, their criticisms of the other are spot on. However, neither of these boyish men can actually solve the problems they complain about, and in fact they even enable each other.

Not only that, but they reveal they don’t understand what manliness truly is at all. They skip the true root of manliness, which is a heart ready to sacrifice, and instead they choose what they personally like or find comfortable.

Deep down, most of us know this isn’t manly or strong at all, that such men break in humiliating ways, and yet we still engage in this behavior instead of seeking a real solution. We watch these archetypes play out over and over in movies and books, with politicians and celebrities, and in our friendships. We feel pity for men whose weaknesses and mistakes (which we often resonate with) keep them from providing for others. The man who runs away from his friends in danger leaves us with a deep pit in our stomachs.

Christ came down to us while we were sinners, where we were at, in the human form that we could understand, and this is the purpose of his Incarnation — to be united with us.

So if true manliness comes from sacrifice, if true masculinity is to live for others, how can we live this out?

First, anything that is difficult for us, anything we don’t like, we should see as a challenge and embrace it. When we see a man overpowered in a film, we feel bad for him. There is something sad about a helpless man, even when it's understandable. Yet, how often does one comment set us off, or how often are we terrified of what people think of us? Isn’t it more embarrassing to be easily overwhelmed by harmless words than a physical attack?

On the other hand, a man who is unfazed but maintains love, he is the safest refuge anyone could ask for. Orthodox Christian spirituality encourages us in all trials to immediately thank God for trials because they help us let go of our selfish egotism, and I have seen many weak men (including myself) grow tremendously from this practice. “All things work together for the good of those who love Him” (Romans 8:28).

Second, resist the urge to blame others. As soon as Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit in the garden, the first thing Adam did was blame God and blame Eve. Responsibility is masculine, while blaming others is simply cowardice. It doesn’t mean we can’t diagnose a problem in a technical way, but in the end, the emphasis of responsibility for a man who wants to make a difference is himself. If we are not willing to take on responsibility, we have to ask if we truly want to make things better or simply want to make excuses and justify ourselves. Orthodox spirituality encourages us not to justify ourselves or make excuses, instead leaving such things up to God. Our job is simply to move forward, becoming better men and sacrificing where we have the strength and admitting where we should but cannot. Repentance.

Third, manliness is personal, not a list of rules. Christ came down to us while we were sinners, where we were at, in the human form that we could understand, and this is the purpose of his Incarnation — to be united with us. Likewise, we acquire manliness by associating with truly good men, and we pass on manliness by being good, sacrificial men to the next generation.

Unfortunately, many think about masculinity like the Pharisees, that it is all about rules and image, that if you shoot guns, eat meat, and tell your wife what to do, you become a man. Guns, meat, and headship are fine, but mistaking them for masculinity simply makes us the next contributor to the loss of masculinity in our society.

What we need are images of sacrifice, in our fathers, in our priests and pastors, in our kings and politicians, and most of all in our God!

We must recognize the enemy like a good soldier and be ready to fight him.

The devil loves controlled opposition. Christ’s royal path is straight and narrow, but the devil weaves to the left and right, guiding men to extremes further and further from the path. He could care less what kind of cowardice you have, inner or outward, as long as you live selfishly to validate how he lives, as long as he can give a middle finger to God by pulling us from him.

By engaging in these pendulums, we don’t end up on the straight and narrow, nor do we end up men. Instead, we end up in the weaving chaos of the serpent, his plaything, reacting like a wounded animal to every enemy. “The guilty flee when none pursue” (Proverbs 28:1). We must recognize the enemy like a good soldier and be ready to fight him.

Sometimes fighting him looks like fighting negative thoughts with positive prayers. Sometimes it looks like making stupid faces to make a baby laugh, despite other people thinking we’re an idiot. Sometimes it means letting our wife win an argument, not out of fear but out of mercy. These are all situations that God allows to get our priorities straight as men, but unfortunately, we fall to the temptation of cowardice and end up flailing to defend our image, which always makes us look weak and insecure.

Let us put aside childish things like excuses and blame and be serious about our God-given responsibility as men.

It’s time to stop fighting for masculinity by trying to defend the image or feeling of manliness. Most of us know that buying men’s razors, grilling steaks, shooting guns, and being belligerent aren’t going to make real men or fix our society.

We need to stop judging “according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment” (John 7:24), because what matters most is the heart. We must have the same priorities as God, who tells us in 1 Samuel 16:7: “The Lord doesn't see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

Those who want to use and abuse humanity certainly hate masculinity, but an even deeper war is being waged in the heart. Our society is trying to erase the concept of the heart entirely, turning words like “hate” into external societal functions rather than heart issues.

Let us put aside childish things like excuses and blame and be serious about our God-given responsibility as men. Let us set ourselves singularly on being sacrificial heroes. Let us live our headship as men by the image of Christ, who gave us that headship — a call not to dominate but to love, not only our wives and children, but everyone, especially our enemies.

Headship was never anything less than a cross, crucifixion for the sake of others. Love does not exist where everything is a transaction, and the cross is the cure to this severe illness.

It is time for men to come together as brothers with a single goal: to take up our crosses and mercifully help each other become good men. May Christ our King guide us!