In what is being hailed as the most unexpected accomplishment of his post-presidential life, Donald J. Trump reportedly repaired every broken McDonald’s ice cream machine in the United States during a brief break from his latest rally.

According to witnesses, Trump walked into a Florida McDonald’s for a “quick Diet Coke” when a staff member offhandedly mentioned that the ice cream machine was down, as usual. “Trump gave a little smirk and said, ‘Let me take a look,’” said shift manager Tanya Rogers. “Next thing we know, he’s got the machine humming like new.”

MAGA Makeover

After quickly fixing that location’s notoriously dysfunctional machine, Trump didn’t stop. With nothing but a wrench, duct tape, and “tremendous intuition,” the 45th president reportedly logged into the national McDonald’s repair network, accessing every machine remotely. In 27 minutes flat, all broken ice cream machines were up and running — a feat previously thought impossible.

“People told me it couldn’t be done,” Trump said afterward. “They said, ‘Sir, the ice cream machines are always broken.’ Fake news. Sad! But I did it. It was easy. Very easy. Believe me.”

Trump also criticized the previous repair contractors, calling them part of the “deep dairy state.” “They didn’t want the machines working because they were getting paid to keep ’em broken. Disgusting, folks.”

America Rejoices

The news spread like wildfire, with ecstatic McFlurry enthusiasts nationwide flooding social media with photos of working machines. “Haven’t had a McFlurry in years! I cried when I saw the machine working,” tweeted one emotional customer.

Even skeptics begrudgingly admitted they were impressed. “I hate the guy, but credit where credit is due. This is the first working McDonald’s ice cream I’ve seen since 1997,” said one California man through a mouthful of Oreo McFlurry.

Critics Cry Foul

Of course, not everyone was pleased with Trump’s latest accomplishment. White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre called the repairs “reckless and unauthorized.”

“The Biden administration was already planning to address the ice cream machine crisis in 2035 as part of a broader Dairy Equity Initiative,” Jean-Pierre said. “Trump’s actions have only set us back.”

Meanwhile, Senator Bernie Sanders expressed outrage, demanding an investigation into the former president’s use of “working-class tools without union oversight.”

Future Plans

When asked if he’d consider a second career as a McDonald’s repairman, Trump smiled and said, “I already made the machines great again. Now it’s time to make America great again — for a third time.”

Sources say the former president has hinted at launching a McFlurry-themed campaign rally featuring slogans like “Keep America Creamy” and “Make McDonald’s Cold Again.”

At press time, McDonald’s confirmed all their ice cream machines are still working, but the shake machines mysteriously went offline.

About Author