As some of you know, my exciting new thriller novel A Woman Underground was published this week. And I’ve been trying to figure out how to convince you to buy a novel I know you’ll love. So I finally decided to consult with my friends in the Kamala Harris/Tim Walz presidential campaign. And they’ve given me some tips on how to sell you this great and innovative mystery story.

Let me start by asking you this: Are you man enough to read A Woman Underground? Because I’m a man. I can bench press 500 pounds. Not all at once, obviously. But a little at a time. Over a couple of days or weeks maybe. I mean, it’s 500 pounds, so, let’s see, at a pound a day, that would take me a little under a year and a half.

But the point is: I’m man enough to support A Woman Underground. Or a woman above ground. Or anywhere a woman chooses to be. I’m just sick of these so-called men who think that women have to be on the part of the ground THEY want them to be on. I’m man enough to love it when a woman takes charge. Especially if she’s wearing one of those skintight latex body suits, and maybe a pair of really high heels so she can step on my chest while I cry out in a mind-bending mixture of agony and ecstasy. Because I’m a man. I eat carburetors for lunch. Because that’s the sort of thing real men say. Standing around naked in the locker room, talking about eating carburetors, maybe with a fine Chablis, and some of those little parsley sprigs. I love those. So let me just cross my legs awkwardly at the knee and ask you again: Are you man enough to read A Woman Underground?

Now some of you guys might be thinking, “Hey, all this time, you’ve told us how masculinity is toxic and how white men screw up the world by building and inventing stuff, which ruins life for everyone else by making it too great. So look, to prove there are no hard feelings, I’m going to drink a beer just like a white man would. In fact, I’ll even put on one of those orange vest thingies and go hunting, maybe for a giant rabbit who’ll spin my rifle around till I blow my face off as if I were Elmer Fudd, except that Elmer Fudd knows how to load a rifle and I’m not totally sure.

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And hey, what about the brothers? I suspect some of the brothers won’t buy A Woman Underground because it has the word woman in the title. You naughty brothers! But I’ll tell you what: to convince you to get down with the struggle, I’m going to give every black man who buys my book a million free dollars. And how about some marijuana? The Harris-Walz campaign told me the brothers just love them some marijuana, so I’ll give you so much marijuana you can start a business selling marijuana, standing out on the street corner until the cops haul you away. That’ll be a change of pace. So yessir, there’s plenty of reefer for any brother who’ll buy my amazing new thriller novel A Woman Underground.

And speaking of women. Some of those other novelists want to keep you women home in the kitchen, having babies who grow up to have more babies, and so on until there are whole generations of babies who rise up and call you blessed. Who wants that? I’m the kind of novelist who understands that what you women really want is to abort those babies so you can sleep with men who don’t give a damn about you without being punished with all of these damn babies all the time. So if you’ll buy my great new novel A Woman Underground, I’ll come to your house myself and personally kill all your children so you can sleep with anyone you damn well want.

And that’s my sales pitch for my gripping new thriller novel A Woman Underground, which is exactly like the pitch for a Kamala Harris presidency, except that you’ll actually love A Woman Underground, and when it’s finished, there’ll still be an America.

 * * *

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A WOMAN UNDERGROUND,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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