INDIANAPOLIS — Southern Baptists passed a resolution this week authorizing women to take on leadership roles in church ministry — provided it is, of course, the sandwich ministry.

"Women should not be prohibited from leadership positions," said SBC President Drake Donahue. "Because who else is capable of teaching our younger women how to make sandwiches? I can't do it!"

"I'm a man!"

Opponents of the resolution argued that a sandwich ministry is in no way authorized by scripture but did agree in debate that if anyone was going to run it — it ought to be the women.

The vote passed narrowly, with women and men in the convention voting against each other.

"They said they want the chance to be a pastor — well, now they can be a sandwich pastor!" said the head pastor of Grafted Branches Baptist in Kentucky. "I'm surprised literally every woman opposed the resolution."

Though ideologically opposed to the resolution, Jeanine Abercrombie (a woman) admitted she would put her name in for Lead Sandwich Pastor. "I deserve respect, and if this is as close as I can get to any sort of notoriety, it'll have to do," she said. "After all, church is all about getting ahead, not about serving others."

Men overwhelmingly voted in support of female leadership of the sandwich ministry, but some of the older men expressed concern this would become a gateway to women seeking more leadership roles in the church.

"It's the sandwich ministry today — yes — but what's next? Ice cream ministry? That's mine!" yelled Donald Geiger, an 83-year-old baptist from Tennessee.

At publishing time, the Southern Baptist Convention agreed to split into separate male and female churches.

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