Answering a call of duty

My intention is to waterboard myself or volunteer for a two-bedroom in Guantanamo.

I have several computers. None are happy. I am sitting in my kitchen. Eating an apple. Dog on my lap. Phone rings. My mouth being apple-logged my housekeeper of 30 years whom I love as much as my dog — and it’s her birthday — answers it.

She says into the receiver: “Who? . . . Who’s calling? . . . Who?” Then, “Your name?” Then, “Spell it.” Then, “She expecting your call?”

The disgusted caller than hangs up. Wants not to converse longer with this genius from Guyana.

Me: “Who was it?” She: “Something like Nuzzi.”

I decided to destroy myself. Even reporters in captivity want to reach New York Magazine’s No. 1 top reporter who got fired for maybe playing potsy with married Robert F-for-frig-him Kennedy Jr.

I started to go for a phone — but couldn’t. Why? Because my tiny Yorkie had now consumed my entire apple. He’d have gotten sicker than my editor when he hears I blew Olivia’s call.

I can only tell you right now — no sense hounding her. She’s away. Not answering her usual phone.

Doing her A1 reporting for around years. Been writing since maybe age 20. Give or take — around 11 years.

We talked. Requested and as promised, I’m keeping her counsel for now. She’s Catholic. Admittedly respectful. Known longtime relationships. Recognizing the trick is not to sleep with anyone.

Because — at worst — it ruins things. Also not looking to offend. The mantra being it’s the other person’s problem.

Reporting purity test?

New York Magazine is a family-owned business. Attitude is they’ll probably fire her.

Known attitude is that this could be a political thing. Like against Robert Kennedy toeing the party line because he associated with Donald.

They’ve become CNN-light and could be they’re solely motivated politically. She’s critical of Blubber Biden and they’ve decided to maybe sacrifice her.

Nobody’s said this but whispers are that the aroma around the office has taken on a skunk-like aroma.

Antiquated. The magazine’s about human beings. It’s not to be defended like it’s war crime.

There will be an official investigation. Official investigation?! WHY!? For what? To see if this confirmed cheater’s zipper is properly oiled?

They have even hired a law firm to investigate this heinous incredibly hideous venal malicious whatever-the-hell-it-is crime.

I have personally experienced similar situations. Conclusion? Unless you look like Boris Karloff after 10 rounds with a sumo wrestler, best not to be good looking and write for a periodical whose pages are often filled with Doing It!

I know this gambit personally. Only recently, in my own home, a visitor asked if I’d slept with some of the kings and dictators I’ve known. 

In Russia when you’re being interrogated with personal questions, you’re being interviewed by the KGB. In America you’re being interviewed by TV reporters.

Only at New York Magazine, kids, only at New York Magazine.