WASHINGTON, DC—In a bold and historic gesture, Vice President Kamala Harris marked this year’s Indigenous People’s Day with a dazzling ceremony that included the ritual sacrifice of 666 innocent people to the Aztec sun god, Huitzilopochtli. The Vice President, decked out in ceremonial headdress and feathered robes, called the event “a necessary step toward healing” while denouncing “the horrors of that genocidal maniac, Columbus.”

“This is what real respect looks like,” Harris said to a cheering crowd of activists and anthropology majors, who live-streamed the event from TikTok accounts adorned with “Land Back” hashtags. “This isn’t just about symbolism. It’s about action—bloody, ceremonial action—because Indigenous wisdom teaches us that nothing says ‘gratitude’ like spilling blood on a pyramid altar at sunrise.”

The Ritual Begins

As the first drumbeats echoed across the National Mall, 666 volunteers—identified as “problematic individuals” (including taxpaying homeowners and people who asked for ID at voting booths)—were led to the summit of a life-sized replica of a Mesoamerican temple. Harris, wielding an obsidian knife, addressed the crowd:

“Today, we honor the vibrant, sacred traditions of those who came before us by giving Huitzilopochtli what he craves—an offering that will keep the sun in the sky and the discourse in our favor.”

The volunteers, oddly calm, were assured by a team of cultural consultants that their sacrifice was both “anti-colonial” and “deeply respectful.” Each participant was also promised 10% off their next oat milk latte at participating coffee shops.

Activists Applaud Harris’s Leadership

Progressive activists hailed the ceremony as a revolutionary break from colonial holidays. “Finally, we’re doing something authentic,” said Mx. Sandra Chou, PhD PhD (she/they/grrrl), author of The Patriarchy Must Bleed. “I used to celebrate Indigenous People’s Day by posting memes about stolen land, but this… This is the work.”

The Vice President’s office issued a statement clarifying that “only willing sacrifices were chosen”, though it’s unclear if participants knew their ‘willingness’ was determined via Instagram poll. White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre assured reporters that “everyone involved was privileged to be part of this transformative experience” and “any claims of human rights violations are rooted in Eurocentric thinking.”

A Break From the Past

The ceremony was part of a broader push to reframe America’s historical narratives. “We must decolonize not just our holidays, but our actions,” Harris said as she smeared herself with ceremonial paint. “And honestly, Columbus? That guy never even retweeted Greta Thunberg.”

The celebration also featured drumming circles, face painting, and a raffle to win a free electric scooter, all organized to divert attention from the absence of emergency disaster relief efforts for North Carolina, still recovering from Hurricane Helene. “Sacrifices have to be made,” Harris said, “in more ways than one.”

Criticism Met With Condemnation

Some Republicans criticized the event, calling it “barbaric” and “an outrageous waste of 666 innocent lives.” Tucker Carlson, broadcasting live from an undisclosed cabin, referred to the ritual as “the left’s latest attack on Western civilization.” However, Harris’s supporters were quick to shut down detractors. “Criticizing this sacred ritual is an act of violence,” tweeted Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. “If you’re against mass sacrifice, you’re basically pro-Columbus.”

Even the Aztec sun god Huitzilopochtli released a brief statement through a spiritual medium, saying, “I wasn’t expecting this… but hey, thanks!”

Looking Forward

The event ended with Harris triumphantly declaring: “This is just the beginning! We will not stop until every problematic holiday is replaced with something far more culturally enriching.” Sources say that next year’s July 4th celebrations may feature a ceremonial burning of the U.S. Constitution, followed by a reenactment of pre-colonial warfare on White House grounds.

Meanwhile, federal workers have been granted the rest of the week off to “process and reflect on their internalized colonialism” and update their pronouns. Harris was last seen boarding Air Force Two, still holding the obsidian knife, saying, “Let’s do Thanksgiving next!”

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