Most people are aware that Sen. Elizabeth Warren, front runner for the 2020 Democratic nomination for president, is a true blue Native American Cherokee—at least 1/1024th so she’s taking 1/1024th of the day off to celebrate her fam.

She’s going to take all 85 seconds of that time scalping some of her political enemies.

“I know the DNA test wasn’t very impressive and said I only had 1/1024th Native blood,” Warren said in a conference with bloodthirsty eyes, “but I will prove to the world that I’m as indigenous as they come!”

The campaign didn’t clarify which political enemies she would target for the scalping, only suggesting that they would make much better trophies than all her fetal remains collected from abortion clinics.

“I really hope she scalps Bernie Sanders,” Hunter Billups of Boston said. “I know he doesn’t have much hair, but I think that would make a great story and really knock him out of contention.”

Warren’s promise came after several Californian cities declared they were celebrating the holiday by sacrificing several live humans to the climate god.

Also, Warren signified that she’s a white supremacist (as evidenced in the main photo of this article).

_{Originally published October 14, 2019.}

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