This article was originally published on Babylon Bee. You can read the original article HERE
As Election Day gets ever closer, the entire country is sitting on the edge of its collective seat. Who will win? Will Trump do his classic dance once more? Will Kamala ever finish a sentence?
Trump can put all of these questions to rest and guarantee victory if he will do ANY of these nine things. Take a look:
Promise to make the NFL go back to regular kickoffs: Election over.
Put out a little trail of wine boxes that leads Kamala into the ocean: There's no way she'll be able to resist.
Put "Whack a Jew" games in Democrat neighborhoods to distract them on Election Day: Works every time.
Put up billboards saying "Are you voting for Trump or are you gay?": A simple but powerful spell.
Promise to pack up the hosts of The View and mail them to Abu Dhabi: Instant 100% approval raring.
Promise that everyone who votes for him will get a free Personal Pan Pizza: If it got us to read as kids for "Book-It", pizza can do anything.
Place speakers playing Kamala's cackle on repeat outside of voting stations: LANDSLIDE.
Negotiate the release of the remaining American hostages in Gaza in exchange for Chelsea Handler: Best foreign policy decision since Kissinger way back when.
Make Tim Walz stand in the reflecting pool saying "I'm a little fairy boy" while people smack him with sticks: Why hasn't he done this earlier?
We hope you're listening out there, Trump campaign!
BIG NEWS: We made a movie, and you can watch the trailer NOW:
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