We at DogFacePonia have gotten a copy of the Jury instructions for Donald Trump’s hush money trial. The jury has found Trump guilty on every count. 45 gets 34.

Here are some of the most relevant instructions that produced this result.

• If you believe anything Michael Cohen says you must believe everything Michael Cohen says. And yes his name is Michael Cohen (ipso facto).
• Proof beyond a reasonable doubt is whatever Biden believes is reasonable. And yes he on some days does know his name is Joe Biden. And there is no reasonable doubt possible.
• The jury’s verdict must be based on speculation, prejudice, sympathy, or an attempt to quickly avoid an “unpleasant duty” after six weeks of sitting in the courthouse. In eleven hours they were done.
• No hung jury will be allowed only a verdict to hang Trump besides how can we postpone the campaign until July if we do not make you find a verdict? That postponement has been achieved. Sentencing will be right before the Republican Convention. Home confinement would be enough to keep Trump from campaigning.
• Under New York law, a misdemeanor charge of falsifying business records is stepped up to a felony if tied to another crime. Trump is running for president and that is a crime. But other alleged crimes include:
  • Covering up Stormy Daniels. Doesn’t matter how this occurred whether in a hotel room or with a check.
  • Trump was responsible on January 6 for Ted Cruz almost murdering AOC.
  • Trump beat Hillary Clinton (we at DogFacePonia think this deserves the Medal of Freedom).
  • Trump is responsible for Cohen stealing Trump’s money and pleading guilty to election fraud. And if his lawyer is guilty, Trump must also be guilty.
  • Trump conspired to close the border and stop future Democratic voters from crossing and also increasing the number of blue state seats in Congress.

If the jury believes any other crimes like jaywalking, being Pro-Life, eating Mexican food, and not eating ice cream every day then that elevates the alleged business records crimes to a felony and Trump is hoisted on his own petard. The jury bought the judge’s instructions and found Trump guilty. Trump said yesterday “Mother Teresa could not beat these charges”. Appears he was right. In America the DOJ could investigate you if you are Catholic. That is, if your name is not Biden.

Our DogFacePonia reporters interviewed customers at Banana Republic to find out what they thought. A customer said “Trump is from NYC so he must be guilty”.