Tim Walz might as well have shown up to the debate wearing a stolen dress with lipstick smeared all over his teeth.  It was embarrassing to watch.

The man looked like Don Rickles’s unfortunate little brother (”Mommy, Don is being mean to me”), with his pouty face looking to be on the verge of tears several times.

He relied on factually incorrect clichés like “You can’t yell fire in a theater.”  (Of course you can…the caveat being that the theater must be on fire, West Warwick, R.I.’s Station Nightclub being a good example of a place where more people in a theater should have been shouting, “Fire!”)  The other hypocrisy in that?  If you can’t yell “fire” in a theater that isn’t on fire, then you can’t yell “Hitler” where no Hitler is happening (ahem…MSNBC).

Next to J.D. Vance, Tampon Timmy looked like a nervous miniature poodle with bladder issues cowering from a Rottweiler.  Or like Richard Simmons standing next to a Navy SEAL.

Walz made it a point to let us know that he pals around with school shooters…and I have questions.  Did he say that because he considers school shooters a key voting demographic?  Does he find it creepy that an elderly governor is hanging out with incarcerated kids who can’t get away from him?  Does he have friends who aren’t school shooters?  Where and when did he develop these “friendships”?  Looking at pictures of last night’s debate, and school shooters, I find it easy to believe that some of Tim Walz’s very best friends are school shooters.

One of my neighbors said he was the Sarah Palin of the Democrat party.  I disagree.  Next to Walz, Palin looks like a rocket scientist who specializes in international relations, plus she’s pretty and confident.  Tim?  Not so much.

Dick Cheney, arguably our most “badass” veep, must keep a secret office under the West Wing, because I can’t imagine this country’s most entrenched bureaucrat ever endorsing that wet noodle to be vice president of anything (unless Cheney was still secretly in charge).

Walz touted a town in Minnesota where “fifty languages were spoken.”  I would like someone to fact-check that, because it’s highly unlikely, considering that ten languages cover 90 percent of the world’s population, and the other 7,001 “living” languages are spoken with frequency that declines rapidly after language number 25 to tribal languages with anywhere from a few thousand speakers to just one.  The likelihood that a small Minnesota town has attracted a high enough concentration of tribal language–speakers from the most remote parts of the planet to have 50 languages being spoken is the tiniest fraction of a percent.

J.D. Vance, in the debate, reminded me of Marge Gunderson from the movie Fargo: an honest person surrounded by bald-faced liars.  Tampon Tim is the Jerry Lundergaard of American politics.  Everything he says is a lie — lies about the border, lies about the economy, lies about buddying around with school shooters.

Speaking of liars, if Tampon Timmy was the Jerry Lundergaard of the evening, then the “moderators” were the Mike Yanagitas.  The dishonesty of the “fact”-checking (that wasn’t supposed to happen) was unbelievable.  CBS must stand for “Contentious BS.”

J.D. Vance is presidential.  He’s articulate, empathetic, and intelligent.  He seems honest.  He is good-looking.

Timmy Tampon looks as though his other car is a white panel van, and not in a workaday sort of way.  He looks like a creeper and lies like a rug.  He brags about things that aren’t possible and refuses to acknowledge things that are probable.  Sure, he’s qualified to take over as president…of NAMBLA!

Did Tim have Poise?  It Depends.  But either way, it looked as though he was carrying a full load in them last night, CBS as well.  The rest of the Democrats joined on that as the results came in the next morning.