Commentary/Satire by Bill the Butcher

The day the car went dead was an epiphany for four “Zoomers!” And what is a Zoomer? People come in order of release dates. Human, human 1.0, 2.0 and so forth and so on until keeping up the the various brands became so confusing that more blanket labels had to be arrived at. It began with the term “Baby Boomers, which was the period from 1946 until 1963 when the evolution of the shaved ape was defined as pre-boomer or post-boomer, or more aptly “prebo” or “pobo.” Then the others were identified, defined and redefined into several groups and subgroups. Chief among those were the legendary Millennials, then came the “Z” Generation, subsequently redefined to simply “Zoomers,” implying a tendency for moving expeditiously which couldn’t be farther from the truth. In addition to these there are divisions within divisions that are debated according to little adjustments here and there in an attempt to further define the identification of the mental traits within each section.

All that having been said, for purposes of this paper we shall concentrate on the beliefs and mindset of just the “Zoomers,” particularly in their understanding of how one simple event on one uneventful day will explain this aptitude more clearly for those wishing to pursue this more in depth at a later date.

Personality is not defined by reactions of large events so much as by a series of daily, smaller challenges that lead one through each day rather than a catastrophic encounter that may or may not ever occur again. Like global warming. To put this in simple terms, the reaction to smaller events prepares one for the solutions for the larger ones. Successful day to day living can actually have a greater effect on life than an earthquake. However, said earthquake may be viewed differently from zoomer to zoomer. So it was the morning of the great car battery disaster of 2024.

We must begin with the theory of the transfer of electricity as defined by Thomas Edison as opposed to Nikola Tesla. Edison expounded DC or direct current coming from a source that simply went in a bee line from here to there, made the wheels go round in circles, and then died there never to return again. This was all very fine for a flashlight but fell far short of firing up Times Square as opposed to Tesla’s alternating current that is an electric current that periodically reverses direction and changes its magnitude continuously with time. Give my regards to Broadway!

So, what does all this have to do with the car not starting on a Friday morning? Batteries run out. You tell the kids to make sure they turn off all the lights in the SUV when you exit at night, but the reason for doing that simply doesn’t soak into the zoomer brain. When the motor’s off the car gains its power from what? A battery that is finite and goes dead after time. Ergo, in the morning that vehicle will not start.

To the boomer brain, things happen. Call Pop a Lock and they run out, give you a jump and off you go. To the zoomer? Ok. Here goes! First and foremost it’s YOUR fault. You’re supposed to know these things and why didn’t you come out and turn the lights off, you lazy you! Don’t you know that there more important things in the world? Things like X-Box, Fortnite, and playing with themselves in the bathroom? You are a terrible parent. I’m calling the CPS!

A zoomer goes from zero to sixty in less than a minute. Then comes zoomer solutions. First there’s cussing. And I mean a lot of cussing. Linda Blair of Exorcist fame ain’t got nothing on these kids. They say words the devil never heard. Following that are demands for you to just start the car. You’re lying. Just twist the key. There’s magic in that key. Didn’t you know that? Everyone knows the key powers the car. If you don’t have a key the car won’t run. So just turn the damn key!

“I’m walking to school!” Now ignore this. They can’t find their way out of the neighborhood and school is nineteen miles away. They ain’t walking nowhere! Then comes the suicide threat. “I’m going to kill myself!” “Please do! Matter of fact here, Stick this bobby pin in a light socket and then grip it with your teeth. Oh, and yeah, that’s called alternating current. Tell Jesus all about it when you get there.”

So they sit there biting their nails and playing on their phones as we wait for Pop a Lock to come and save the day. More occasional cussing and loathing the day of your birth. Each time you try to calm the situation you are referred to as an old man which by the grace of God none of these little bastards will ever be. It was just two weeks ago you dropped a grand on a limo and tuxedos so these rocket scientists could attend a school prom. Limo, tux, no date. Had to take their sister. Shades of Arkansas. No wonder the birth rate is declining. Oh! My bad! They’re all nonbinary, whatever the hell that is.

Eventually Pop a Lock arrived and $82.50 later we are off to school while they scream about breakfast. When informed we are running late and besides that we had to account for that $82.50 I just paid I was informed it wasn’t real money just internet money. Roblox has gone to their brain.

If we pass the torch to these kids they’ll just burn down the house. All hope, reason, and promise has fled and all we can hope for is a grave that won’t be desecrated. Now I know why God gave us global warming. He said the next time it would be fire, right? Rapture me! Oh yeah . . . Zoomers are gods. Then just miracle my ass to Ocotillo Wells.

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