WASHINGTON, DC—After learning about devastating floods caused by Hurricane Helene, Biden agrees to send $15 billion more to Ukraine and another $8 billion to Israel.

At a press conference, Biden appeared deeply moved by the destruction caused by the hurricane, which battered large parts of the southern United States. After a long pause, during which aides reportedly whispered “North Carolina” into his earpiece, the president leaned into the microphone and said, “This is a real crisis. And that’s why today, I’m proud to announce that we will be sending an additional $15 billion to the brave people of Ukraine.”

Reporters, initially confused by the response, soon erupted into applause. CNN correspondent Rhonda Feelgood praised Biden’s “global perspective.” “He’s not just focused on domestic concerns, he sees the big picture,” she gushed. “While people may be suffering in the flooded streets of North Carolina cities, at least Ukraine will have more HIMARS systems.”

Meanwhile, FEMA officials are reportedly still waiting on funds to help repair the damage caused by the hurricane. When asked for comment, a senior Biden official responded, “Look, the president’s doing everything he can. These things take time. Ukraine, on the other hand, needed that $15 billion yesterday. Also, have you seen their TikToks?”

Vice President Kamala Harris echoed the sentiment in her signature style: “When we talk about hurricanes, and we talk about Ukraine, we are really talking about the wind of change. That’s why it’s time for us to uplift, and when we uplift, we lift, and that lifting is an upward movement. And Ukraine—well, you get it.”

As for the hurricane survivors, one resident of Baton Rouge summed it up: “I lost my home, my car’s underwater, but I’m just glad Ukraine’s getting what it needs.”

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