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WASHINGTON, DC—In an effort to avoid future confusion and streamline the investigative process, the White House has unveiled a state-of-the-art personalized Coke machine that doesn’t just serve cold beverages—it now dispenses actual dime bags of coke with “Hunter Biden” printed in bold, unmistakable letters. The new machine, reportedly installed near the West Wing, aims to prevent any future whodunits involving mysterious white powdery substances left behind at the White House.
“We wanted to make things more straightforward for the Secret Service,” explained White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, adjusting her gaze while nervously glancing at a nearby vending machine filled with prescription pill bottles labeled “Harris.” “This new personalized machine ensures that any dime bags found are clearly marked, so law enforcement won’t have to waste time ‘investigating’ obvious things.”
Hunter Biden, seen casually exiting the West Wing with a can of “Coke” and a suspiciously large grin, praised the machine’s practicality. “It’s all about transparency, man. Now, if anything gets left behind, it’s literally got my name on it. Can’t get any clearer than that!”
FBI Director Christopher Wray commended the move, stating that having a clear label would finally allow agents to focus on more important tasks, like investigating parents at school board meetings. “This way, when a dime bag of cocaine is found in the White House, we can immediately close the case. The machine even leaves a receipt with Hunter’s signature, so the chain of custody is crystal clear.”
The machine’s unveiling was met with cheers and applause from members of the White House press corps, some of whom were seen slipping quarters into the slot just to watch the machine dispense the infamous bags. When asked whether the new vending machine raised any security concerns, a Secret Service agent shrugged. “Honestly, it’s a timesaver. We’ve got bigger issues to deal with… like figuring out which one of these machines prints the Hunter Biden-branded ‘Special Blend’ cigars.”
As for Hunter, he’s reportedly working on a new line of collectibles: custom snack bags for sale in White House gift shops, perfect for the friend who has everything—except maybe plausible deniability.
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