Commentary/Satire by Bill the Butcher

The term Tik Tok took on a new meaning this week when cell phones and pagers began to blow up across Lebanon and all points Middle Eastern. Don’t call us, we’ll call you became the watch word of your friendly neighborhood terrorist. Of course then Ali Babba immediately blamed Israel. I mean why would the Jews wanna blow up people darker than them. They just raised a glass and shouted, “Lechaim!”

The cell phone has long been the fuse of choice for Middle East bombers who didn’t want to get their 72 virgins today. But no more established government agencies did so. However, I’ve known that when agencies of the US, Great Britain, and Israel heard of a van heading for a mall and “somehow” had a phone number they would dial it up to see if something “popped up.” Now you understand the Mafia term “Bada Bing Bada Boom!”

Would secret agents rig up cell phones to blow off the heads of people who fly planes into buildings? Will a priest date a little boy? And it’s poetic justice. Just yesterday I got three calls from guys with Arab accents, claiming to be worried about my car warranty. It would be so nice if they all are scared of their phones.

WhomEVER did this got about two thousand high level camel jockeys. And you know among populations over there the followers of Allah all know who the “Freedom fighters” are. So Sheikh Mi Drawers goes to the supermarket and is the proverbial turd in a swimming pool. How much easier it would have been had Osama Bin Forgotten had one of these KoranMobile phones. Or the entire government of Iran proudly using their complementary phone from MosesTel to check stock prices and got their minds blown.

I’m sorry. I don’t care who you are. That’s funny right there. I heard that there were so many cell phones and pagers going off it sounded like the Fourth of July. Every time a phone rang everybody’s wives had to jump under the bed. Apparently the phones were placed by running some kind of two for one sale down at Tent City Mall and all the Hook Noses showed up to cash in. I crappith thee NOT! “Mohammed, my new phone is like . . . ticking!”

When they’re doing the circumambulations around the ol’ Kabba down in Mecca it can wind up looking like popcorn. Am I being too racist here? You know I am. I mean, I’m from Austin. The only city with cannabis in the pollen count. You think I’m gonna lose any sleep over a bunch of Wet Backs getting wasted by their knock off cell phones? We’re the ones who put alligators in the Rio Grandé to curb illegal immigration. Swim THAT, bitch! And you can’t scare me. I’m descended from Porter Rockwell. Joseph Smith told him that if he didn’t cut his hair or shave his beard “no bullet nor blade would ever pierce his skin.” My hair is to my shoulders and I haven’t shaved since 2010. I wear the same clothes for weeks and my grandkids and business partners tell me that I’m ugly and smell like a goat. But I figure Joseph’s blessing comes down through the family line, and, in addition to that I’m a Texan. If you wanna kill a Texan all you gotta do is spill a beer on the freeway. Anyway. Where was I?

And they got a few pagers too! PAGERS! Who the hell uses a pager anymore? Arkansas? But apparently pagers are in among the boys that eat no Spam. Not as deadly, but an attention getter. “Hey Goldstein! That one lived!” “Yes, but he can no longer reproduce!” (Pagers are carried on the belt for those born after 1990 and never had to find a pay phone after the familiar BEEP BEEP BEEP.)

This is a one hit wonder, or rather a 2,000 hit wonder. But even “those people” aren’t stupid enough to keep their Booma Phona after yesterday. Of course, the UN will sanction this. But they won’t be calling CNN about it. This ain’t as funny as the time “someone” left a car in the parking lot of the Killeen Mall with a bomb in it and before it could go off the HomeBoys stole it, cut it up, and sold it to the Mexicans. I don’t know what they did with the bomb. God Bless Texas! I’m hanging up now.

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