DogFaceponia undercover spies have reported on last-minute alterations that ABC is making to support Kamala Harris in the upcoming debate. With their help, Kamala is a sure winner.

The Following are the debate rules with slight alterations:

The debate will be 90 minutes with two commercial breaks. Bathroom breaks will be permitted. Kamala may hold up her hand for #1 or #2, but Trump will have to hold it despite the diuretic in his water.

The two seated moderators, David Muir and Linsey Davis will be the only people asking questions. Questions will be provided to them by George Stephanopoulos. Kamala’s questions were to be provided by Martha Stewart. Kamala has objected to getting questions from a convicted felon so an alternative is being sought.

A coin flip was held virtually on Tuesday, Sept. 3, to determine podium placement and order of closing statements; former President Donald Trump won the coin toss and chose to select the order of statements. The former president will offer the last closing statement, and Vice President Harris selected the right position on screen (stage left). This decision means that Vice President Harris will deliver her closing statement immediately before Trump, positioning herself strategically as she prepares her remarks. The event, moderated by an esteemed panel of journalists, aims to offer both leaders a fair platform to discuss their policies and future plans. The debate will be broadcast nationally, capturing the attention of millions of viewers who are eager to hear the contrasting viewpoints of these prominent figures.

The moderators will introduce candidates. The candidates enter upon introduction from opposite sides of the stage; the incumbent party will be introduced first. Kamala Harris will be introduced as the first Black woman to be a candidate for President. Donald Trump will be introduced as the first convicted felon and sexual predator to be a candidate.

The ABC Plan

No opening statements; closing statements will be two minutes per candidate except when Kamala is given more leeway because of problems with the clock.

Candidates will stand behind podiums for the duration of the debate. Trump’s podium will be 1 foot shorter than normal to make things fair for Kamala who is a foot shorter than Trump. Alternatively, ABC has offered to dig a one-foot hole that Trump can stand in for equity’s sake. A chiropractor will be on site to assist Trump if he chooses not to use the hole since he is an old man who will suffer from bending over.

Props or prewritten notes are not allowed onstage. Kamala will be allowed to not wash her hands and arms which will have notes. No one will check the ladies’ room to see if there are notes on the stalls.

No topics or questions will be shared in advance with campaigns or candidates Except for Kamala who is best friends with an ABC executive. Donna Brazille has been allowed to help Kamala do debate prep.

Tipping the Scales

Candidates will be given a pen, a pad of paper, and a bottle of water. Kamala will have a bottle of vodka. A gift from her biggest supporter Vladimir Putin. The vodka will be out in a water bottle to disguise it.

Candidates will have two-minute answers to questions, two-minute rebuttals, and one extra minute for follow-ups, clarifications, or responses. Kamala will get more time if her feelings are hurt by Trump. Kamala’s questions will be multiple choice in keeping with norms established in her recent interview with Dana Bash.

Candidates’ microphones will be live only for the candidate whose turn it is to speak and muted when the time belongs to another candidate except for Kamala whose mic will be hot throughout. Trump’s mic will be muted except if he is saying something inappropriate.

Candidates will not be permitted to ask questions of each other. This continues the format of planned debate between the candidates and the moderators not each other.

Campaign staff may not interact with candidates during commercial breaks. Kamala may get messages during breaks from Donna Brazille who is not staff.

Moderators will seek to enforce timing agreements and ensure a civilized discussion. The thought police will be standing by to eliminate misinformation and disinformation.

There will be no audience in the room. X will be prevented from sharing audience opinions until they are given to them by the mainstream media. ABC predicts with these modifications Kamala will surely win. We at DogFacePonia are unsure if any modifications can help Kamala.