There was so much news this week, I feel I should begin by just giving you the headlines as reported by the elite news media.

This week’s top story comes from the New York Times, a former newspaper, with the headline: “Donald Trump Nearly Gets Himself Assassinated Again.”

“Donald Trump’s rhetoric continued to inflame violence as an alleged gunman was alleged to have allegedly tried to allegedly assassinate this fascist threat to Democracy for the alleged second time in eight alleged weeks. Experts on political violence agree that, for his own safety, Trump must be exterminated before his rhetoric gets him killed.

“Acting head of the Secret Service Ronald Rowe Jr. admitted his agents erred in not scouting out the alleged spot on the alleged golf course where the alleged gunman allegedly waited for twelve alleged hours with an alleged AK-47, but Rowe said the spot was often used by paparazzi because of its excellent line of sight on Trump, and the service’s commitment to freedom of the press made them reluctant to disturb anyone with a long distance scope who might just be a photographer with an AK-47. Rowe, who was made acting head of the service after he arranged security for Trump at Butler, Pennsylvania, has now been promoted to Lord High Master of all Safety for Republican Candidates Everywhere.”

In another top story, the Washington Post presented an analysis of Hezbollah’s exploding pagers headlined, “Has the Jewish Sense of Humor Gone Too Far?”

“Across Lebanon this week, Hezbollah terrorist leaders were heard to say, ‘I’ve got to go. My pager is blowing up.’ Then they did, and they did. American Middle East experts have become concerned that if Israel continues to recklessly kill Iranian proxy terrorists, there’ll be no one left to chant “Death to America” except the Democrat Party. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu attempted to deny his country’s involvement in the incident, but could only gasp out the word, “pagers,” over and over again while giggling helplessly.

“Searching for a silver lining to having their terrorists’ pagers explode while hooked to the front of their belts, Hezbollah has announced that the survivors of the attack will be forming the new falsetto section of the Iranian Formerly Boys Choir. Those who did not survive will spend eternity surrounded by 72 virgins while having no testicles, also known as going to hell.”

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Yet another story from CNN online is headlined, “What Diddy Did or Did He?”

“Rapper Diddy was arrested this week after a white FBI agent googled ‘running a train,’ and found out it was synonymous with gang rape. Diddy did say he didn’t but was imprisoned without bail after the judge heard Diddy did a rap song, saying, “We date em like we hate em, treat em like we beat em, turn a freak to a bisexual and if she’s flexible, have her screw the player next to you,’ which turned out to be exactly what he was charged with in the indictment.

Now, even on a busy week like this, the elite media did not spend all its time covering hard news. For instance, on NBC’s Today Show, anchorwoman Savannah Guthrie used her cooking segment to strike back against anti-migrant sentiment by offering an excellent Haitian recipe for house cats garnished with the stolen souls of your enemies. Miss Guthrie said, “The federal government has found absolutely no cat eating among the 20-thousand Haitian migrants dumped on the 60-thousand people of Springfield, Ohio, by the federal government — but just in case, here’s a tasty Haitian treat that will help you do the voodoo they do-do so well.”

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ABC’s Good Morning America ran a segment called “Colorful Customs from Around the Globe,” in which George Stephanopoulos interviewed a Haitian migrant from Springfield on how to silence inconvenient witnesses. After George shared his techniques, the migrant demonstrated how to stick pins in a doll. Though some viewers protested the doll looked suspiciously like Donald Trump, Stephanopoulos explained the doll was simply meant to represent all political evil-doers. The migrant then stuck pins in the doll and Stephanopoulos ran out of the studio screaming in agony.

So those are this week’s headlines from the elite media.

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A WOMAN UNDERGROUND,” is now available for PRE-ORDER. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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