The real tragedy of our time isn’t the soaring inflation, crumbling infrastructure, or the total collapse of bipartisan cooperation—no, the tragedy is far graver: Donald Trump is literally stealing our democracy by refusing to die in multiple assassination attempts.

Let me explain. Dr. Jaden/Aurora Theydey, a triple PhD in Gender Studies, Intersectional Feminist Theory, and Advanced Pronoun Theology from Berkeley, was simply trying to do the world a favor. A true warrior for justice, they selflessly volunteered to dismantle the patriarchy in its most concentrated form: Donald J. Trump. But what did Trump do? He had the audacity—the privilege, if you will—to not only survive but thrive after the attempt. It’s as if he’s actively resisting the will of progress.

The fact that Trump is still breathing is proof of how toxic masculinity operates: it survives. It doesn’t matter that a well-intentioned intellectual, who’s been published in 17 different progressive journals (including Vegan Socialism Weekly and Pronoun Police Quarterly), was just trying to make the world a better place. It doesn’t matter that they were fighting on the side of justice, wielding a thesis on the intersectionality of bullet trajectories and gendered violence. The point is that Trump should have accepted his fate. He should have died. But instead, he lived—and we all suffer for it.

This wasn’t just a failed assassination. This was a failed thesis defense—an academic catastrophe. Dr. Theydey’s work on “The Cis-Male Necropolitics of Presidential Assassination” is now invalidated, its conclusions rendered moot by Trump’s stubborn refusal to be a martyr for the cause. And without that intellectual framework, how are we supposed to save democracy from itself?

Look, democracy is delicate. It can only survive if we suppress the voices we don’t like and, ideally, eliminate the bodies attached to those voices. Trump’s ability to avoid getting taken out by a PhD-wielding activist is not just defiance; it’s proof of his larger agenda to steal democracy. If he won’t die for the betterment of society, then what hope is there for the rest of us?

We have to ask ourselves: What kind of country are we living in where a man, accused of so much, refuses to die even when a progressive scholar literally tries to end him? Is that the kind of nation we want to leave for our nonbinary, eco-vegan-feminist offspring?

The real patriots—the ones armed with academic credentials, Twitter followers, and framed certificates of allyship—are being denied their rightful place as the arbiters of life and death in this political struggle. Trump’s continued existence is a slap in the face to every postmodern academic who knows, deep in their soul, that utopia can only begin after he’s gone.

Let’s be clear: This isn’t about violence; this is about justice. It’s about healing our country by any means necessary—including, but not limited to, removing the source of the infection. If Trump won’t voluntarily step aside—or, you know, succumb to an expertly devised assassination plot by a PhD—then what does that say about him?

In short: It says everything. He’s literally trying to steal our democracy by refusing to die at the hands of an overqualified intellectual. The nerve.

Dr. Theydey’s bravery, their willingness to take on such a noble task, should be applauded—not thwarted by the sheer audacity of Trump’s survival instincts. So next time you see Trump standing behind a podium, just remember: That man is actively robbing us of our democratic destiny by simply continuing to exist.

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