NEW YORK—In a shocking display of federal overreach that surprised absolutely no one, the Biden/Harris administration’s DOJ has officially indicted New York City Mayor Eric Adams for the newly invented crime of “Unauthorized Complaining About Federal Immigration Policy.” The move comes after Adams dared to express mild discontent with the administration’s flawless and infallible border strategy, which has so far turned New York City into a sanctuary sardine can.

“Mayor Adams’s reckless actions have crossed a line,” said Attorney General Merrick Garland. “He has repeatedly made unauthorized statements that question our sacred, chaotic, and unregulated approach to migration. This kind of unauthorized complaining threatens the very fabric of our democracy.”

According to the indictment, Adams’s illegal griping included dangerous acts like publicly stating that the city’s resources were “overwhelmed,” suggesting that maybe someone—anyone—should do something, and worst of all, expecting the federal government to have an actual plan. “This is the kind of inflammatory rhetoric that keeps us up at night,” Garland said. “What’s next? Mayors suggesting the federal government do its actual job? We can’t have that.”

The indictment further details that Adams’s whining posed a direct threat to the Biden-Harris agenda of “Unlimited Entry, Unlimited Problems.” His crime? Trying to slow the runaway train of open-border policies by raising “unpatriotic concerns” about housing, services, and basic common sense.

“This indictment is just the first of many,” Blinder continued. “We can’t have local leaders undermining our strategy of importing new voters—I mean, welcoming migrants—by recklessly calling for ‘help’ or ‘resources.’ It’s subversive and unacceptable.”

Sources close to Adams say the Mayor was blindsided by the charges. “I never thought I’d be indicted for pointing out the obvious,” Adams reportedly said, scratching his head. “I didn’t realize that expressing basic frustration with a policy designed by bureaucrats who’ve never set foot in a major city was a federal offense. I should’ve kept my mouth shut and handed out sleeping bags instead.”

The White House has firmly supported the DOJ’s actions, with Press Secretary I.C. Spinn addressing the media: “This is not about stifling free speech—this is about protecting our carefully crafted narrative. Unauthorized complaining undermines the message that everything is going perfectly, even when it isn’t. We simply can’t allow reality to interfere with our talking points.”

Critics have blasted the indictment as a blatant attempt to silence anyone who dares to acknowledge the mess that’s become of immigration policy. “They’re charging Adams because he broke the unspoken rule of this administration: never, ever admit the emperor has no clothes,” said one anonymous former official. “Next, they’ll be indicting people for rolling their eyes during press briefings.”

At press time, Mayor Adams was seen consulting with his legal team while filling out his transfer request to a state with a less Orwellian approach to unauthorized opinions. Meanwhile, White House insiders have reportedly started drafting legislation to make “complaining without authorization” a federal crime punishable by indefinite re-education seminars with Kamala Harris.

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